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“Is a pigs pussy beef?” My father tapped his left foot hard on my tiled floor. I had to stop fucking with his nerves or he would snap, my mother wasn’t here to save me and Mattea was the wrong person to take her place because she would egg my old man on. See my mother had this calm nurturing effect on my father. She could calm him by simply looking at him or touching his shoulder.

“I’m in here, Matthew.” He touched his forehead for emphasis. “Don’t shit concerning my grown ass kids get past me. Just like I know how you have taken a liking to another mental patient like yourself.” Fire ignited in my chest, I swallowed down my spit and clutched my fist then unclutched them immediately not wanting to send an unclear message to my father. Any indication of me wanting to get buck, he’d push at it until he jumped right into action.

“You out here playing captain save a hoe. How the fuck can two people that don’t have it all in their heads collide and become something.”

“That’s my business! I thought I told you not to fucking spy on me.” I felt myself snapping as my father tauntingly tilted his head to the side.

“I start spying when you start ducking and dodging me. Do you know who the fuck I am lil nigga!” He stood up and Mattea’s eyes got big. I looked into my father’s wild eyes and didn’t blink.

“You use the same muthafuckas that I use to use to dig for information. Anytime you pay them they inform me!” He slammed his hands on his chest.

“You not gone play with me like I’m not that nigga that’ll slap fire from yo raggedy ass.”

“And you won’t stand where I piss, shit, and fuck at talking to me like I’m still getting an allowance from you Beast.” Mattea stood up and by now it felt like it was two against one. Fuck them, take them the fuck out!

“I can’t! He’s my fucking father and that’s my sister!” I roared then ran towards the nearest wall and kicked it in. My foot got stuck in I fell in the middle of my rage. I scrambled to my feet and started punching the wall wishing it was somebodies face that I was smashing in.

“Still answering to that voice, you need help Matthew. What? It’s telling you to kill me and your sister?” My father’s voice softened but I was too blinded by being pissed with this fuckin’ voice in my head asking me to do bullshit. Why couldn’t it leave me the fuck alone. I hated being portrayed as fucking nutty. I didn’t want to hear voices; I didn’t want to feel abnormal either.

“Let us help you, Matthew.” The smug look my sister had when I came in was now a sad look. I turned away and hit the wall once more. Feeling out of breath and defeated I leaned my forehead against the wall and allowed my tears to fall. My head was pounding, fist throbbing in pain.

My father walked up and touched my shoulder and my body went stiff as that voice roared in my head. Ignoring it enough to listen to my father’s words.

“I don’t want help, I want y’all to let me live my fucking life. I ain’t taking no crazy pills. My conscious get the best of me and I fuck up from time to time. I’m not a fucking kid, I don’t need y’all baby-sitting me.” I gritted.

“Matthew, you don’t have a choice baby.” I turned towards the door and looked into my mother’s eyes. “You run from us because you know we know what you battle heavy with. I don’t agree with how your father goes about trying to get through to you. Invading your privacy is disrespectful and next time he won’t do it again.” My father grunted and walked away from me; he plopped down on the couch as my mother approached me smelling like lavender.

“You don’t want a repeat of what you did to Lakendra do you? Your father says you met a girl and she suffer from bipolar disorder.” She looked over at my dad and gave him and hard stare. My mom didn’t like when me and my father looked into people’s backgrounds with out their consent.

“You keep Lakendra around and leave her room to think she has some form of hope with you. Even after what you did and what she did to you. You two should be history. She shouldn’t be here or you shouldn’t be here. How can you move on to something else when you have Lakendra here waiting for you. You’ve apologized time and time again to her, you’re never here at home and I know that cause when you don’t answer my phone, I call her, and she sadly says you never come home anymore. Honey, that girl is still hopeful and still in love. I want you to make it clear to her. First you need to get the proper help, your father knows all about hearing voices and listening to them when he shouldn’t. You have to separate that voice and understand that it’s a sickness that you don’t have to listen to.” She cupped my face in her soft hands and stroked my cheeks with her thumbs.

“Unless you want to make it work with Lakendra.”

“I don’t love her anymore.” I never said that out loud. Lakendra was my first love, the first woman to break my heart although I was the one to break hers first. The saying that men couldn’t take the same medicine was true. I couldn’t take the fact that although I cheated, Lakendra got even but took it far by fucking one of my enemies while she was pregnant with my first born.

I lost control that night and did some shit I still regret to this day. All I know is that day I wasn’t myself, something had taken over me.

“Mattea already talked to Ream and Solo.” I could see the disdain in my mother’s voice. She didn’t like the illegal shit that I was out here doing but she accepted the fact that she couldn’t change it. “You can take time off, so that we can help you get right. You have to visit Ms. Scott so she can diagnose you properly again then get you on the proper medication.” I noticed my mom on her tippy toes struggling to hold on to my face so I bowed in front of her to help her out.

I didn’t want her hurting herself, she had metal in her hip and already walked with a slight limp.

“I can’t momma, I don’t want to be off pills.” I looked away then back at her hating to tell her no.

“You ain’t got a fucking choice! Don’t tell my wife no-”

“Beast please!!!! Shut it up!” My mom let my face go and clapped her hands.

“Ma, that’s not fair! Daddy locked me in a room and made me get help! So, Matthew doesn’t get to decide!” Mattea interjected as my mom offered my sister an icy look making her shut her mouth.

“Matthew, come home just for a couple of days so we can get you help. Please baby.” I sighed hard and slowly nodded my head. I was only going because I truly couldn’t defy my mother to her face. To get them all off my back, I turned to walk out my man cave agreeing to go.

Chapter Nine

SOULFUL HURTZ

Lately, I been feeling like I’m not meant for love, I didn’t want it to define my path because I was doing well and thriving in my life hard. Looking over at my wife, that yearning disappeared. I use to yearn for her all the time, I wanted to make her happy because in my eyes she was the most beautiful woman walking besides my sisters.

I regretted walking down the aisle with her, making her my top priority. I wanted to communicate and get us back right, but every time I looked in Jocelyn’s eyes, I could tell her attention and wants was on something other than me. Shit just felt forced, either I was lacking something, or she just wasn’t feeling a nigga no more.