Page 88

“Hey.” Swallowing back the urge to throw up, I clamber to my knees and crawl toward him. “It’s okay.” Wrapping my arms around him, I feel his whole body tremble against me, and his massive arms engulf me as he pulls me into him.

“I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

“It’s okay. It was just a nightmare.”

He burrows his head against my neck and pulls me tighter, as if he would pull me through his ribs if he could. “When I close my eyes, I see them. Hunting me in that place. I can’t sleep.”

“Come lie down with me, Valdys. Please.”

“I’m afraid to be near you, Cali. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”

“You won’t. I know you won’t.” Stroking his hair, I leave a kiss on his forehead. “Come, Valdys. Let’s lie down.”

As I try to move, I feel his grip tightening, his muscles quaking, as if he’ll crumble to dust any second. This strong and formidable man, one I’ve watched kill those mutations without hesitation, shakes like a child in my arms. And what’s worse is, I can’t erase this for him. No amount of affection, or care, will shadow the horrors he sees behind his eyes. Any more than he can keep me from hearing Cadmus’s screams, when I close mine. Only time will heal these wounds.

“I love you, Valdys.”

He stares up at me, the stormy gray in his eyes softening to a gentle rain. “There is nothing in this world that I love more than you.” Nuzzling back into my neck, he kisses the crook of my collarbone. “I love you beyond love.”

We are broken pieces, stitched together by the pain of our losses. I don’t know if we’ll ever be fixed again. The only thing that’s certain is the uncertainty that awaits us. Moments like these, when we close our eyes, and the images from our past remind us how fleeting life can be. How, in the shutter of an eye, the universe can change.

How quickly the world will take what’s given.

Yet, we carry on, with bruised hearts and torn skin, because we love, and that’s what gives us purpose. Air gives us breath. Food gives us strength. And love gives us hope.

In a world of monsters, love makes us human.

There’s something about sunrise over the desert, the way the cactus plants and mountains stand as silhouettes against a burnt orange sky. A single, brilliant light burns in the center, casting its rays down on the world like a blessing from the heavens. My mother always said that God appears to those who wake before dawn, and as I lie sprawled across Valdys, I find myself pondering the possibilities. After all, only a miracle would give him back to me in this world, and a part of me wonders when he’ll be taken again. Ripped from my grasp before I’ve even had the chance to enjoy these moments with him without the guilt.

Valdys shifts beneath me, his stomach flexing beneath my arm, and with a smile, I tip my head back, watching him climb out of his slumber. The sharp lines of his jaw beg for a kiss, and as I lean forward, he starts, his grip tight around me. Blinking a few times, he looks around, until his gaze falls on me, and he lets out an easy breath.

My body slides over his, as he pulls me atop of him, crushing me against him, and he threads his fingers through my hair.

“I don’t know what I did right to wake up to your face this morning.” His deep voice rumbles in my ear as I lie against his chest. Hands sliding over my skin, he touches me as if he needs proof that I’m here with him now.

“If I believed in God, I’d call this His blessing.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t know. My mother always told me God loves unconditionally. If that were true, then why take so much? My father, my mother, Bryani, Roz, and Cadmus. Everyone I’ve ever given a damn about, including you. Why did you have to suffer for love?”

He bends his arm behind his head and stares off, looking thoughtful. “I don’t know. I guess that’s the nature of it. We love knowing that it can be taken away. And when it is, I guess we stay hopeful that it’ll return to us somehow.”

“You think the ones we love will return?”

“Not in the sense that they’ll rise from the dead.” He brushes his fingers across my cheek as he stares down at me. “But I think we’ll see them in unexpected ways. We’ll hear their voices and see their smiles. Their memories don’t have to die.” Gaze roaming my face, he pushes the hair from my eyes. “As for you and me, I don’t think God knows what to do with us yet.” Wearing a smile, he leans forward, planting a kiss to my lips. “Probably better just to enjoy what we have now.”

With a nod, I nuzzle against him once again, staring off toward the sunrise and holding him tighter than before. We lie like this for a while, until the camp begins to stir below, moving about as if packing up. Valdys and I dress and make our way back down the rock, to where Wren and Rhys meet us at the foot of the mountain.

“There’s a community my Papa told me about out east. It’s supposed to be like Szolen, but … better.” Wren hands Valdys and I a tin cup of warm coffee each. Heat leaches into my cold palms as I hold it and steal a quick sip. “You’re welcome to come with us.”

I can’t deny the magic of walking through Szolen, even if the place was tainted by my experiences at Calico. If a place like that exists without the horrors, I’d be a fool to decline. “I thought you didn’t like Szolen?”

“I didn’t like the principles of the place. The idea that they’d keep others out. That we weren’t free to come and go, as we pleased.”

“How do you know for certain this place is any different?”

“I don’t. But it’s worth checking out.” She rubs her hand against her stomach and glances back at Rhys. “It’s not just about me anymore.”