Page 106 of Brain Damage

“I want to,” he insists.

Bullshit. He only just recently had brain surgery and he’s trying to put his life back together again. He’s got a kid to take care of. He isn’t going to hop on the subway to come see me just because I’m crying. Even though I wish he would.

“You can visit Angela too,” I say.

Jamie rolls his eyes. “Charly, I like Angela a lot, but if I’m sitting on the subway an hour, it’s to see you, not her.”

I’m not sure what to say to that. The truth is, I doubt he’s getting on the subway to see either of us. Anyway, I’d rather change the subject than listen to his empty promises.

“Are you going back to work?” I ask him.

“Not right away. I wanted to but… I saw the neuropsychologist a few weeks ago and he felt like I couldn’t… I mean, that I wasn’t ready yet.”

“Ready for what?”

Jamie sighs. “I don’t know. He was giving me all these problems with money, and I used to be so good at that stuff. I was always so quick at math, but somehow I was having trouble, even though I knew the problems were easy. Anyway, he felt like it might be a little while before I could balance the books like I used to.”

“You’ve gotten so much better,” I point out. “I’m sure you’ll be able to do it again.”

“Yeah, maybe.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal, although I can tell it’s something he’s really upset about. “If not, I can always just tend the bar like my brother does.”

“You’ll be able to balance the books again,” I say, more firmly.

Jamie lifts his eyes and forces a smile. “Yeah, well, you might be the only one who thinks that.”

He looks so sad for a moment that I really want to reach out and give him a hug. Could I hug him? That wouldn’t be weird, would it? I wouldn’t want him to think I was hitting on him or anything like that. I’m sure he’s completely mortified by the things he said to me about how he wished he could be with me. I wouldn’t want him to know just how attracted I feel to him right now.

I just wish that Jamie and I could have been more than friends. I wonder when the next time I’ll be more than friends with a man will be. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long time.

Maybe forever.

No, I shouldn’t think that way. I should try to be positive.

At that moment, a nurse peeks her head into the room and seems surprised to find Jamie in here. “Visiting hours are over,” she says.

In his NYU T-shirt and worn jeans, Jamie looks far more like a visitor than a patient. Unlike me. He holds up his left wrist with the white wristband. “I’m a patient,” he says. “James Knox. Room 325.”

“Oh.” She blinks at him. “Well, in that case, you still need to get back to your room. Wrap up the conversation and leave.”

Jamie rolls his eyes as the nurse stalks off. “Well,” he says. “I guess I better go.”

No. Please don’t. Please don’t leave me alone here.

“I’m leaving pretty early in the morning,” he says hesitantly, as he gets up from the chair. “So I’m not certain I’ll see you. So I guess… this is goodbye for now.”

“Right,” I say.

He holds out his hand to me and I shake it. I try to remember the feel of his warm hand in mine for later. I have a feeling that this will be the very last time that I ever see Jamie Knox.

“Bye, Charly,” he says.

Somehow I manage to say “goodbye” without bursting into tears again.

Goodbye, Jamie. Thank you for being my friend when I didn’t even know who I was. Thank you for turning my tray around during meals. Thank you for making me feel attractive again, even if it was just for a short time. Thank you for saving my life, whatever it’s worth.

Thank you and goodbye forever.

“No,” I hear Jamie say.