Page 92 of Golden Ruin

I nod. “He’s definitely that.”

He glances down at my arm, then points toward it. “Looks like you’re healing up pretty nicely. I noticed you weren’t wearing your bandages when you got to the clinic this morning.”

I glance at it, too, thinking back to my appointment a couple days ago. Another that Sterling insisted on taking me to.

Stop thinking about him.

“I, um… yeah. Hardly hurts at all anymore. The doctor says the skin will just be tender for a while, but I haven’t really noticed.”

“Good,” he says. “Doesn’t look like the scarring will be too bad either.”

I nod, agreeing, then the moment fades, and we’re thrust right back into the silence. Silence that’s not only uncomfortable, it’s unfamiliar. It’s not like us to struggle with keeping a conversation flowing, but it’s been this way for hours.

“How’s apartment hunting?” There’s a note of hesitancy laced within Matt’s question.

“Okay, I guess. Still nothing solid locked in yet, but something should come through soon.”

He nods. “I can’t imagine what it’s been like trying to rebuild, having to start over.”

He isn’t wrong to assume it’s been a challenge, but it’s definitely been easier than I expected. It isn’t lost on me why that is, though. Somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling displaced because I no longer feel like a guest in Sterling’s home. And without him, I would’ve been an emotional wreck, struggling to feel normal again. That’s when it hits me, despite the loss, despite my life looking completely different than it did a month ago, I do feel normal.

Because of him.

I feel Matt’s eyes on me again as this realization unfolds in my thoughts in real time. Clearing my throat to regain my composure, I keep my eyes straight ahead, focused on Jax and Goose. But I sense that hesitation from Matt again. Like there’s something he wants to say, but he isn’t sure how to say it.

“You do know you can talk to me, right?”

I turn left to glance at him. “Yeah. I know.”

I face forward again but stay silent, which I’m sure only validates his question.

“About anything,” he adds, but that part feels loaded.

My eyes slide toward him. His expression is soft and thoughtful. Like always. He’s genuinely a good guy, someone I should have probably locked down a while ago, but we can never seem to get that far. Something always stands in the way of me just… giving in.

Air fills my lungs as I look around, observing the life he’s built for himself. He literally lives in a house with a white picket fence. He’s sweet, respectful, loves my son, but somehow, it’s just never felt like enough.

There’s an ache in the center of my chest at the thought of it, closing myself off from everyone but him.

Closing myself off from Sterling.

I swallow the lump in my throat, shocked by the sadness that’s just crept in, the loneliness I’d feel knowing I have to keep him at arm’s length.

It tells me more about myself than I care to know, overwhelming me to the point of blurting out words I didn’t intend to share today.

“We kissed.”

The admission falls from my mouth quickly, followed by my own silent gasp when saying so much takes my breath away. I’ve left out a huge chunk of the details, how far things really went, but even telling him this was difficult.

Matt goes still beside me. His expression doesn’t change immediately, but something shifts behind his eyes. Understanding, maybe. He looks away toward Jax and Goose, dragging a hand across the back of his neck as he gives himself time to process what I just said.

“Wow, I… thank you for being so honest. It’s just… I wasn’t expecting that.”

The silence that follows feels strangely fragile. I should probably say something else—explain, clarify—but instead, I sit there, twisting the edge of my shirt between my fingers, realizing there’s no version of that confession that sounds better with more context.

“Do you regret it?”

My heart sinks when he asks the one question I haven’t been able to even answer for myself.