Page 113 of Mercy & Malice

“No, you did it so I’d forgive you and we could be together again.” I’m on my way to doing it, even if it makes me angry.

He walks over to me. “You can question my motives, but I will prove them when I don’t stand in the way of what makes you happy. If you want, I’ll spring for the goddamn limousine to haul Cain to y’all’s wedding if that’s what will bring you joy and peace in this wretched fucking world. And I’ll wish you nothing but the best. Get used to it.”

His words crush me. He’d really watch me marry someone who wasn’t him? “No. I don’t want to get used to this. You supporting me being with someone who isn’t you.”

“Do you want me to fight for you? Say he can’t have you?”

I realize that it might’ve stung a little that there’s a future where Micah moves on without me. I want him to be happy, but could I ever be okay if I wasn’t enough to be that for him?

After seconds of silence tick by, he says, “It’s not my choice. It’s yours. You wanted space; I gave it to you. I never said I wanted to be with anyone else. I said I want you to be happy. I want you to look at me and not see a fucking cage or monster. I want you to choose me if I’m what you want, not because of some fucked-up bond that we share. And I don’t want you to see me as him, because I don’t regret putting my own father in his worst nightmare for one fucking second. He deserves it. And that makes me the monster he always wanted me to be. He still fucking won.”

Slowly, I close the distance between us and stop in front of him. “Do you know what I said to your father when you walked out of the hospital room? I told him that he failed. He’d never make you a monster in my eyes. And I told him that I’d love you until the day I die.

It’s not because I was trapped with you or any other fucked-up reason. I’m still here in front of you because you’re the only person I’ve ever felt I could trust myself completely with. Even after you lied and hurt me. There’s no universe where you’d intentionally cause me pain the way my father—or yours—did. I know you’d never abuse me, or hit me, or give me the choice to be raped or beaten and make our kids watch you do that.” My chest tightens as I take in a strangled breath, my hands covering my face because I can’t stop the tears that spill. “I’ve seen real fucking monsters, and you’re not that.”

His steady arms wrap around me, holding me to his chest as I cry, the reality of the last few weeks hitting me hardest in this moment. And that I only feel safe with the person I should hate. I don’t know how to do this.

Pulling away, I mutter, “I have to go.”

I rush out of the room, and once again, he lets me go. He doesn’t stop me, doesn’t force me to stay, or talk, or choose him. He lets it be my decision. One that has my heart and mind locked in its fiercest battle yet.

65

BROOKE

Just one night. Let me manage to sleep in this house one night. Donald isn’t here, Micah isn’t here (not sure if that’s a pro or con though), and my mom is cheerful since she won’t be in the big, empty house alone again tonight.

“I’ll meet you at school in the morning.” I always dread spending my vacation at Belgrave, but Mom always manages to find tasks for me to help her with on campus during break. And I’ve managed to have an excuse all week long but figure I’ll at least show over the weekend. Yet, she gives me a confused look, so I add, “To help you paint your office.”

“It’s already done.”

“By whom?”

“Micah came in and helped me during the week. We actually got a lot done that I’d been putting off like clearing all those old boxes out of the conference room closet and moving them to storage. Then I mentioned some changes I was considering around the house, so he took care of all of that too. I feel guilty changing anything without Donald’s permission, but Micah assured me he wouldn’t mind and would want me to be comfortable.”

“Yeah, I agree. He’d want you to be comfortable,” I comment, still wrapping my mind around the image of Micah and Mom getting tasks completed side-by-side. “So, you were just randomly hanging out with Micah?”

“No, he texted me at the start of the week and asked if I could use a hand around Belgrave. He said he knows how you hate spending your off days at the school. Disadvantage of being the principal’s daughter, I realize. So, Micah offered to help out. He was there all week. I figure he’s trying to keep busy ”

He’s still going out of his way to help and be kind even after I showed up in his hotel room and yelled at him. He’s giving me space and waiting until I’m ready. Will I ever be?

“I’m gonna go to bed.”

Before I head upstairs, Mom wraps me in a bear hug. “I’m so happy you’re home. I know something happened and I hope we can discuss it one day. I’ve really missed you.”

I’ve missed me too. And my mom. “Me too.”

Heading upstairs, I go straight to the bathroom, shower, then pull on some pajamas. It still feels off being in this house. But I stay. I just need to get the initial night past me. Mom is going to live here, and I can’t avoid the place forever.

After debating for a few minutes, I go to Micah’s room. Standing in the doorway, I stare at his empty bed before I go over and slide under the covers. The bedding smells like him and it’s enough to make me fall asleep but not enough to keep the nightmares away. In this one, he died. I didn’t have a choice. He was gone.

Without debating on what my head is telling me to do, I get in my car and drive over to the hotel. I’m shaking as I press the button, and by the time the elevator stops on his floor, my heart is thumping against my chest. It’s early in the morning and here I am standing outside his door again. The last time didn’t go as planned. Not that I have a plan now either.

Before I change my mind, I knock on the door. It takes a minute before he opens it, his confused, sleepy gaze on me for a few seconds before he asks, “What’s wrong?”

That’s when I realize I’m already crying. “I was in your bed, and I had a nightmare.”

His jaw clenches as he slowly reaches for me. “Come here.”