Page 18 of Brutal Titan

“I’ll get there when I get there. It’s not like Huntington will kick me out of school, especially since you told him about Mom.” I don’t want to use it to my benefit or hide it away when it’s convenient, but he’s doing both. He’d preached so much about not telling anyone and the first time he talks to the principal, he offers it up as a sob story.

“Elliot,” he begins, but I shake my head, moving to the door as he follows. “I just thought he would better understand your misfit actions if he knew what we were dealing with.”

Stopping in my tracks, I slowly turn to face him. Every muscle in my body tenses. “We? I haven’t seen you dealing with anything regarding her. All you did was lock her away like a dirty secret, using her only at your convenience, like you always have. Where were you that night? San Francisco? Sacramento? What bullshit city were you in that night, because you sure as hell weren’t here to find her facedown, bleeding to death, and you sure as shit didn’t try to stop her bleeding with your own two hands while screaming for help in an empty goddamn house.”

The muscle in his jawline tenses before he speaks in a harsh tone. “Yes, son, I was away on business that night because I had to be.”

“Bull. You don’t have to travel you choose to because you’d rather be anywhere but here—not that I blame you—but don’t forget I know exactly what the job entails.”

“Good thing since you’ll be doing it soon enough, but I’m sure you’ll screw it up even sooner.”

“Learned from the best.”

His hand rubs along his face. “Take this all out on me. I can handle it but don’t forget she’s the one who said she doesn’t want to see you. I’m still here.”

The words are another punch in the gut, reminding me that my mother refuses to see me. In the beginning it was a relief because my anger kept me from wanting to face her. I didn’t want to relive that night again, even though I do it every night anyway when I close my eyes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she was unhappy, miserable in her marriage, but I never would’ve imagined ending her life, leaving me behind, was a better solution to her.

Now, I just want to ask her why. But even if she did agree to see me, I don’t think I could bring myself to face her, say the things to her that I wished I’d said before that night, before she felt so … hopeless.

Rushing out of the house, I hurry into the passenger seat of Asher’s waiting car. I’m hopeless, that’s a given. But there’s something I need to do, something I need to make clear. The only thing I can think of worse than not having the chance to say the things I meant to say would be saying exactly how I feel then taking it all back like the coward that I am.