Page 91 of You Were Always the One

‘I’m afraid he’s asleep,’ I say quietly. ‘But when he wakes up, I’ll tell him you came here.’ I pause. ‘Perhaps you should give me your mobile number.’

Nodding, she reaches into her bag and takes out a business card, then passes it to me. ‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘For talking to me. It’s more than I hoped for.’ She pauses. ‘I should probably go.’

I have a strange feeling as she walks back to her car. It wasn’t so long ago that Miles was going to leave me for her. But that time seems to belong to another life. Going inside and closing the door, I stand there listening as her car starts, then as she drives away.

An hour later, when I go upstairs to Miles, in his bedroom, he’s trying to get dressed.

‘Let me help you,’ I say.

‘I’m perfectly capable of dressing myself,’ he snaps. But his confusion is becoming more noticeable, his fingers fumbling with buttons, while he can’t work out which way around his sweater should go.

Without saying anything, I gently sort it out for him. ‘You had a visitor earlier on,’ I say casually.

He freezes. ‘Who?’

‘Patricia.’ I try to sound breezy. Then I run out of strength. Sitting on the bed, tears roll down my cheeks. ‘Don’t take any notice. I’m honestly not upset about her.’

‘Oh, Holly.’ Miles sounds quietly desperate. ‘I wish you didn’t have to go through this.’

‘It’s OK,’ I say, wiping my face. ‘It really is. It’s just seeing her… I suppose it brought a lot of things back.’

‘I can imagine,’ he says. ‘In case you’re wondering, I haven’t been in touch with her.’

I nod. ‘She said the same.’ I pause. ‘She didn’t stay long, but I’ve been wondering…’ My voice wavers. But there’s a question that won’t leave me alone. If there’s love between them, is it my place to stop them? ‘Do you want to see her?’

Miles clasps his hands together. ‘I don’t think that would be fair on anyone,’ he says.

‘None of this is fair,’ I cry. But it’s only one more in a long list of things I wouldn’t choose to happen. ‘Not you being sick. Or what happened with her – before. Her coming here.’ I pause, looking at my husband. There are no rules for love, or what it means at different times. Nor are there rules for something like this. ‘If you want to see her, I’ll call her.’

He’s silent. Then he shakes his head.

‘I have something to tell you,’ I say to Rita after I pick them all up from Charley’s.

She raises her eyebrows. ‘You’ve seen Riggs again?’

I shake my head. ‘This is way more surprising than that.’ I pause. ‘Patricia turned up.’

‘Fuck.’ Rita’s unusually silent. But not for long. ‘Today? What did she say?’

‘She asked how Miles was,’ I say. ‘She said he hasn’t been picking up her calls.’

‘I hope you told her where to go.’ Rita sounds outraged. ‘Honestly. How dare she?’

‘She was really sad,’ I say. ‘After she’d gone, I told Miles she’d come here. Then I asked him if he wanted to see her.’

‘You what?’ Rita explodes. ‘Are you deranged, Holls?’

‘I was very calm,’ I say. ‘Anyway, the long and short of it is, he doesn’t want to.’

‘Thank God for that,’ Rita says. ‘Promise me next time she turns up, you’ll tell her where to go.’

‘Actually,’ I say, ‘I did much better than that.’ I pause. ‘We spoke.’ I look at my friend. ‘It isn’t for me to stop her seeing him. Not when Miles is dying.’ I gaze at Rita. ‘What would you do? In my shoes? Miles and I are more like friends rather than lovers. Patricia loves him. It doesn’t feel right for them not to see each other.’

Getting up, Rita fetches the wine and pours us both another glass. ‘It isn’t for me to say. You have great instincts, Holls. Follow them.’ She pauses. ‘You are awesome, my friend,’ she says quietly. ‘Seriously. If I was in Miles’s shoes, there’s no one else I’d want looking after me.’ She pauses again. ‘You know, I think I get why you’re not mad about this.’

An odd feeling takes me over. ‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s about guilt, isn’t it?’ Rita says softly, her eyes not leaving mine. ‘You think you deserve to feel guilty about meeting up with Riggs again. You think you’ve done the same as Miles did to you. That you’ve betrayed him. But you haven’t. You haven’t done anything wrong, Holls.’