Page 27 of You Were Always the One

‘God.’ She sounds startled. ‘How did that go?’

‘Badly,’ I say.

‘Oh, Holls. It was never going to be easy,’ she says. ‘What happens now?’

‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘It was inconclusive. He said there’s more to say – he also said he’s given our marriage everything he can. But if it isn’t enough for me…’ I tail it off. ‘I feel terrible.’

‘He’s the one who had an affair,’ she says indignantly. ‘Fucking Miles. He always does this – makes you feel bad when he’s the one who screwed things up.’

‘I know he did.’ But I can’t help thinking. ‘Rita? Tell me something.’ It’s like I need to hear it from someone else. ‘We were never right together, were we?’

‘You know what I think. But at the time, he was what you needed,’ Rita says firmly. ‘Holls, you know what you’re like. Imagine if I’d tried to talk you out of it.’

I can imagine. Back then, I wouldn’t have listened to a word against Miles. But I’d had my doubts, I can’t deny that. ‘I wasn’t sure,’ I tell my friend. ‘Not really. Even when I was standing at the altar… I suddenly thought about what I was giving up.’

‘You what?’ Rita sounds incredulous. ‘Holly Madigan. Why haven’t you told me this before?’

‘Because I’m ashamed,’ I say miserably. ‘I was shallow and weak. I told myself I was doing the right thing. But I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.’

‘Now, listen to me,’ Rita says. ‘You are not shallow and weak. Marrying Miles… Maybe you were meant to. It’s part of what’s made you this strong, compassionate woman.’

‘But what’s it done for Miles?’ I say. ‘I shouldn’t have gone ahead, should I? Not if I had doubts? It would have saved us both from what’s happening now.’

‘For fuck’s sake,’ Rita intervenes. ‘Enough of the wallowing. Could we please just look at the positives here?’ She pauses. ‘If you hadn’t gone ahead, you wouldn’t have the kids. And you’ve tried to make things work. I know you have. But for a thousand different reasons, marriages don’t always work out. Yes, it’s sad and painful and everything else.’ She pauses again. ‘But life will move on. You will move on. And so will Miles.’

‘What about my kids?’ I swallow the lump in my throat.

‘They have you, Holls. I promise you – your kids will be fine.’

I rarely have time to read, but knowing that Riggs is a writer, it’s impossible not to order his books. His voice shines unmistakably through his words, so that they couldn’t have been written by anyone else.

With his books in my home, as I drive to pay Charley a visit, Riggs is in my mind, too – but only briefly. No question, he’s turned my life upside down. And not because I want a future with him. It’s more that he opens my mind and makes me think big, in a life that has over the years become so much smaller.

Charley’s in her garden when I get there, determinedly digging, albeit slowly.

‘I used to think nothing of this,’ she says when she sees me. ‘I could dig for hours. Chemo has sapped my energy.’

‘Don’t overdo it,’ I warn her. ‘Your body’s been through a lot. It’s still healing.’

‘As long as it’s not growing more cancer cells,’ she says fiercely. Then she stands up. ‘That’s what I’ve been doing out here. In my mind, I’m imagining burying them. Deeply enough that they’ll never be seen again.’ She glances towards the house. ‘Cup of tea?’

‘Thanks.’ As we walk towards the house together, I can’t help noticing she seems stronger. ‘How’ve you been?’

‘Not bad.’ She opens the back door. ‘Though it feels like tempting fate even saying that. However, I feel quite good.’ She opens one of the cupboards. ‘I seem to be out of teabags. How about coffee?’

‘Coffee would be great.’ I glance around her kitchen. There’s a jug of flowers on the table, a new photo on one of the windowsills. Putting my bag on the table, I open it. ‘Can I check your blood pressure?’

As we finish our coffee, a car pulls up outside. ‘Probably my brother,’ Charley says. ‘It’s about time the two of you met.’

There are footsteps on gravel before the back door is pushed open and a man comes in. Taller than Charley, he has fair hair and his eyes are warm as he drops a bag of shopping near the table.

‘Jake?’ she says. ‘I want you to meet Holly. She’s my nurse.’

He turns to look at me. ‘Good to meet you.’ His eyes hold mine. ‘You’re brave, looking after my little sister.’

Charley rolls her eyes. ‘Don’t you have fields to plough or something?’

‘Not before I’ve had some coffee,’ he says easily. ‘Anyone for a top up?’ He makes himself a cup. ‘OK if I join you for a few minutes?’ He sits down with us. ‘I’ve been telling Charley to take it easy,’ he says to me. ‘But she’s determined to ignore me.’