Page 89 of The Doctors Will See You Now

Jesus Christ, this thing was more complicated than a NASA spaceship manual.

How in the hell do women get this thing inside?

After three more attempts with all of the same results, I resorted to pulling my phone out of my scrub pants and tapping on the YouTube app. Yeah, I, Melody Marco, nurse of obstetrics and gynecology, was YouTubing “how to insert a menstrual cup.” I was a disgrace to my profession. But my hands were getting dry from washing the goddamn thing so many times, and eventually, they were going to start to miss me out there doing my actual job.

Five minutes’ worth of a tutorial later, I thought I was ready. Videos always make understanding things easier. It also helped with my mental readiness that Renee, the chick on the video, appeared quite fucking peppy and enthusiastic about her menstrual cup. If Renee loved her feminine oil filter so much, maybe I would too.

So, using Renee’s endorsement of “Everyone needs to switch to these! They make life so much easier!” for motivation, I grabbed the Goddess Cup and spread my legs like I was riding a horse.

You better not be fucking with me about this, Renee. More importantly, Marlene better not be fucking with me about the five hundred dollars. Christ, why hadn’t I considered that until now?

I made a quick mental note to call Betty when I wasn’t practically spread-eagled and shoving a menstrual cup up my vagina.

Luckily, things were going smoothly. Slowly, but surely, I had the Goddess Cup inside, and my fingers were easing it into the “settled” position.

Unfortunately, like a flip of a switch, things got real fucking ugly.

The cup slipped from my fingers a little and bam!

It popped open.

I mean, it popped the fuck open, before I’d gotten it settled.

Stars literally danced behind my eyes. Those little bastards were hand in hand doing the fucking mamba while an endless stream of curse words flew out of my mouth.

“Motherfuckinggoddammithelpme!”

Pain. Red-hot pain inside of my body. I feared I’d just killed my vagina for a measly five hundred bucks and I was never going to be able to have sex again.

What in the hell were they thinking when they made this?

I was half convinced the manufacturer was trying to kill women. Obviously, they weren’t, but holy cannoli, it was bad.

Seriously, if you think childbirth is painful, trying having a menstrual cup pop open inside of you before you get it settled.

Actually, don’t try it.

Just. Don’t.

Fucking Renee and her peppy attitude about her menstrual cup. Renee was a goddamn liar!

God, I had to find a way either to get this thing out or to get it to fucking settle. Whatever the hell that meant.

I stared down at my vagina with concern. “I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

She didn’t respond—after all, she was a few gasping breaths away from death—and I knew I had to woman up and get us out of this situation fast.

With my eyes closed shut, I reached my fingers back inside and nudged on the cup a little. Thank God, it moved with ease, and eventually, it found its way to the settled position.

How did I know it was in the right position?

Well, I no longer felt like a tiny elf had crawled inside of my vagina and was trying to physically remove it from my body.

Note to self: Never agree to test anything. Not even if they are offering you a million dollars. Don’t do it.

Once I got my clothes back on and washed my hands, I glanced down at the time on my phone and saw that it was now half past 11.

One hour.