Page 80 of The Doctors Will See You Now

Shit. I stepped forward to intervene.

“Ladies.” Two angry faces turned toward me with a near growl.

I recoiled slightly but recovered enough to hold my ground.

“What’s going on?” Both of them started to speak at once. I rolled my eyes, speaking over them, “Melody first.”

“I ordered an Italian sub and a Coke from Marlene, and she screwed it up.”

“I didn’t screw it up!” Marlene objected loudly.

“She totally screwed up Load-y’s order,” Melissa happily chirped from behind the reception desk, and I shot a pointed look in her direction.

“Melo…Mar… Melissa, this is none of your concern.”

Good Lord, did every woman in my office’s name start with an M?

Just get to the crux of the matter, Will, before patients start to get out their phones and posting videos on YouTube. The No Cell Phones sign is only going to hold up for so long.

“Everyone just relax for a minute,” I said on a sigh and looked at my beautiful and very frustrated girlfriend. “Okay… What exactly happened?”

She sighed but jumped into her story quickly. “Marlene was taking lunch orders. I ordered an Italian sub and a Coke and gave her ten bucks. And when she got back, I went to collect my order. Our interaction went something like: ‘Hey, Marlene. Is this a good time to get my lunch?’

Yada yada… she grumbled and said, ‘What’d you order?’

‘An Italian sub and a Coke.’

She rifled through her bag again and came up empty. ‘I don’t have that.’”

“I didn’t have that!” Marlene exclaimed in the middle of the story, but Melody just shot her a glare and continued on.

“And then I responded, ‘Um, but…I ordered it.’

She looked through the bag again and offered, ‘I’ve got a piece of toast and a pickle. You want it?’

‘A piece of toast and a pickle? I gave you ten dollars for a sub and a Coke.’

She shrugged and just shoved the pickle and toast into my hands. ‘Here.’

‘But I gave you ten dollars.’

‘Yeah, well, them’s the breaks.’

And scene.”

Melody’s breathing was heavy as I looked down into her hands. Toast and a pickle.

Good Christ, Will. Do not laugh. Do. Not. Laugh.

“Are you gonna let me speak?” Marlene snapped. I just pinched my lips together and shook my head…taking a deep breath to gather myself.

Finally, when I had control over the urge to explode into laughter, I spoke. “No, I’m not,” I told Marlene.

Reaching forward and easing the now smashed piece of toast and dripping pickle from Melody’s hands, I deposited them in the trash can and waited for her eyes to meet mine.

“Come on. I’ll take you to get a new lunch. On me.”

Quite frankly, this situation played right into my hands. I’d taken other staff to get lunch before after Marlene fucked it up, so the whole thing would seem rather innocuous. But it would also give me the opportunity to clear the air with my girlfriend once and for all.