Page 160 of The Doctors Will See You Now

“I think I need to sit down,” my mom said suddenly, and I turned to her with concern. Bill, of course, gentleman that he was, immediately grabbed her arm to offer support. And she fucking winked at me.

“Oh, don’t worry, Bill. It’s just this one hip. Gives me a little trouble if I stand for too long.”

My eyes narrowed. She didn’t have any hip problems.

“Let’s go sit down then, Nicole.”

“You don’t mind?” she asked.

Poor sap. He didn’t fucking mind at all. My mom looked over her shoulder and winked one more time as Harlow sank into a barstool, her head in her hands. Jesus Christ. My mom had just arranged alone time for me with Harlow. My mom is helping me with dates now. This feels like a low point.

Harlow didn’t look up from her point of focus, a drop of water on the bartop, when she spoke. “Your mom is…well, she’s something.”

Hell on wheels. My mom was hell on goddamn wheels.

“Okay, yeah, she is,” I laughed. “But I’m sure your parents are Ward and June Cleaver.”

“Well…” She laughed, finally leaving the water droplet to its own fate and forcing her eyes to meet mine. “Not exactly. They’re kind of like Ward and June Cleaver and Bill Johnson.”

“What?” My face pinched in confusion, and laughter bubbled in my throat at the same time. “Who the hell is Bill Johnson?”

“He’s my dad. Actually, Bill Paige is my dad.” She rolled her eyes. “Obviously. But my mom, Karen, aka June, and her husband Jean-Pierre, aka Ward, are the perfect couple, and my dad is, crazy as it sounds, their perfect sidekick.”

I tried to picture what she was describing. Her mom and Jean-Pierre—faceless bodies in my mind, of course—dressed as Batman and Catwoman with Bill in a Robin costume next to them. I tried to make four out of two-plus-two, but all I could compute was a very disturbing threesome.

I mean, my parents at least got along in a civil capacity—my mom was going to my dad and stepmom’s anniversary party, for fuck’s sake. But she was doing it with barely concealed disdain. The pieces of Harlow’s perfect parent trio weren’t quite lining up.

“So, what? They’re like besties? Your mom, your stepdad, and your dad?”

She nodded enthusiastically, her face completely devoid of sarcasm. “Yeah. They’re going on an Alaskan cruise together in a few months for my dad’s birthday.”

Finally, it all made sense. At least, an opportunity to tease Harlow mercilessly did.

I smirked. “So, they’re a threesome.”

“What?” she shrieked, covering her ears.

“A threesome. You know…double penetration?”

“No, they’re not a fucking threesome, you pervert!” Her lips curled away from one another, and the normally tanned glow of her skin faded into a sallow white.

“You’re the one who said they’re all set to go on vacay together,” I pushed, doing my best to keep my face straight. “Your dad doesn’t have any other friends he’d rather celebrate with?”

“They’re best friends!”

“Sounds like something else to me.”

“Oh, eww! Stop! They’re best friends.”

“Who sleep together,” I mumbled under my breath.

“Stop! They have separate rooms!”

“That’s what they tell you, maybe.”

Steely determination set in as she stared me down. “Oh, yeah? Then I guess your mom is about to make their fourth? How do you like that?”

Mentally, I cringed. But I fought it for the sake of winning our argument.