Page 141 of The Doctors Will See You Now

“Did she say nice things?” I asked teasingly, trying to bring the conversation back around to something that would get me somewhere. Pam shook her head with a smile.

“Not really. Apparently, you’re a great flirt but terrible with commitment.”

Fuck. This was going somewhere, all right, but not at all where I wanted. Though, this article sounds pretty fucking accurate.

I racked my brain for the answer, for what I could say to change her mind about whatever she was convinced I was like, so I’d have enough time to win her over, to make her an ally, to—

“So, you want to get out of here?”

Wait…what?

I laughed to myself and nodded before I could think twice about it. “Yeah, Pam. Yeah, I do.”

God bless women wanting things that are bad for them.

What? I told you I always start out with the best of intentions.

But I was a single guy, and Pam was an attractive, willing woman who seemed pretty well informed on the score. Whoever this Harlow Paige was had given Pam the speech for me.

Who said a little work couldn’t lead to a lot of play?

I never thought I’d witness a woman feeding Fritos to a small hamster hiding inside of her purse in public, but I guess I’d severely underestimated the glorious people watching opportunities on the subway.

Because that happened. Actually, it was still happening.

As the subway slowed to a stop, I glanced up at the sign on the platform, and quickly realized I still had six more stops to go. And for the first time in my life, I wasn’t disappointed by this fact. I had Hamster Lady, and she apparently had enough Fritos inside of her pocket to put her little rodent buddy into a food coma.

The train’s doors shut, and its wheels squealed as it picked up speed, down the dark tunnels of the city toward the next stop. All the while, the rodent lover sitting across from me pulled another Frito out of a clear, plastic sandwich baggie and held it toward the opening of her purse.

Her miniature, furry—and possibly infected with rabies—pal looked up at her as she looked down at him, and they shared a little moment before he grabbed the Frito with two hands and started chowing down on the salty goodness until it was completely gone.

I swear to God he smiled once he was finished, and even though I’d never been a fan of anything that resembled rats, I was fucking mesmerized by the tiny disease incubator.

Before I could witness him munch on Frito number three, my phone buzzed inside my pocket and grabbed my attention.

Amanda: Look, I know I’m a little late to the party here, but please forgive me. I’ve been busy since the second I stepped off the plane. Managing an international PR tour ain’t exactly easy. It’s a fucking pain in my ass. Anyway, I just read your column about Dr. Erotic. Fucking tell me that he’s the one who stitched your sex wound!

Sex wound? I grimaced. She made it sound like I’d obtained an injury to my vagina, not my forehead.

Amanda had only been gone for a few days, and already, I missed the hell out of her. But, with that being said, I never revealed my inside sources. Even when they were me.

Me: My lips are sealed. I will never give up my sources.

Amanda: You’re such a fucking tease. And I know it was you! OMG! I can’t believe he was your doctor in the ER! I love his episodes so, so, so much. So sexy and fun. God, you should’ve boned him. Please, Please, Please…,Make my year and tell me you boned him.

Me: Seriously? You honestly think me having sex with Dr. Erotic was even an option after my earlier bone from the evening had been the reason I was in the ER in the first place? What kind of floozy do you think I am??

Amanda: Hmmm… what’s the rule on double boning in one night?

Me: Same guy = Awesome. Different guys = A little too loosey-goosey for me.

Amanda: Yeah, but there has to be an exception for this case, though. The first bone wasn’t a full bone. Pretty sure that makes it a null and void bone. Which means, you could’ve boned Dr. Erotic with a clean slate for the night.

Me: Your last text bone count = 4. That’s a lot of bones, dude. It appears to me that someone is jonesing for the penis. Probably of the Spanish variety…

Amanda: Shut up. I do not want to bone my client.

Me: Liar.