Page 137 of The Doctors Will See You Now

“Hey, now,” she retorted, only mildly offended. “I made sure you were actually okay first before I found enjoyment out of the logistical side of your injury. Cripes, I can’t believe Barron the Bore fucked you straight into the emergency room last night.”

“Wait…Barron the Bore? That sounds like an established nickname.”

“Uh…”

“Did you know he was boring before you set me up on this thing?”

Amanda had set some kind of goal of finding me a man who would encourage me to settle down. Obviously, it was a lost cause. I would never settle down, and the only reason I’d agreed to the date in the first place was because my craving for penis had gotten out of hand.

“Uh…” she muttered again.

“Amanda Marie,” I urged in my best mom voice impression. “Tell me the truth right now.”

Silence.

That double-crossing bitch. She’d known Barron was as thrilling as a bowl of oatmeal before she’d set me up on that goddamn date from hell.

“I’m hanging up on you now,” I muttered in warning before doing just that. I tapped the red phone icon to end the call and tossed my phone onto the sheets beside me.

The damn thing pinged a moment later with a text message notification.

Amanda: I love you.

Me: No, you don’t.

Amanda: Yes, I do. People click with all sorts of unexpected personality traits, Low. I really thought there was a chance you would hit it off.

I sighed heavily. Then something occurred to me.

Me: You’re still laughing, aren’t you?

Amanda: Yep.

Me: I need a new best friend.

Amanda: You just need to give your best friend the exact, detailed version of your sexcapades last night. Also, I feel like I should warn you, if you’re looking for a new best friend, you don’t give a very good first impression.

Me: Hey!

Amanda: #sorrynotsorry

She really was a bitch. Luckily for her, I kind of liked that in a friend.

Amanda: Details?

I sighed again. All this fucking exhaling was wearing me out.

Me: It wasn’t anything too exciting. After Barron attempted the worst oral in the history of oral, we moved on to the sex. And while we were doing the sex, which surprisingly, wasn’t terrible sex, he tried to flip me over and ended up pushing me toward his headboard. Which, that fucker was made out of glass crystals. Word to the wise, glass crystals and foreheads are no bueno.

Amanda: Why in the fuck is his headboard made out of glass crystals?

Me: Exactly my point.

Amanda: What a weirdo. I’ll admit it’s hilarious, but I’m glad you’re okay. Take some pain medicine, caffeinate, and call me later once you’ve finished working.

Amanda: P.S. I need your help with packing! Like seriously, how does someone pack for a long trip to Europe in only one suitcase. It’s impossible. Help. Me.

I’d almost forgotten that my best friend would be leaving for her big trip to Europe soon. Her PR company had recently signed this up-and-coming—and extremely hot—Spanish musician named Mateo, and the lucky bitch would be gallivanting all across Europe for the next month promoting him.