Page 102 of Where I Should’ve Been

“Oh, trust me, I am too.” Norah sighs. “Which is why I would really, really love it if you helped me out here,” Norah begs, even putting her hands together in front of her like she’s praying. “Just think of how many f-bombs you could prevent from flying out of Autumn’s mouth. And also, my sanity. Think about how you’ll be saving that too.”

“Just curious…why are you having this dinner exactly?” Breezy asks, quirking a curious eyebrow in Norah’s direction. “I mean, it kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster…”

“I don’t know, Breeze.” Norah blows out a breath of exasperated air. “Probably because Logan keeps showing up at my door like a kicked puppy, and I’m too hopeful for my own good. Also, I think you and Josie deserve a little celebration for all the big news.”

“And who all is going to be there?” Breezy asks, and Norah throws both hands in the air.

“Welp. Besides Logan and Josie and Clay and Lillian and Bennett and me, pretty much anyone and everyone I can find in this damn town that Bennett can tolerate.”

“So, we won’t be the only buffers, then?” Breezy asks on a laugh. Norah shrugs.

“No, but you’ll be the most important buffers,” Norah answers with a big, please-do-it smile. “And you won’t even have to talk to Logan if you don’t want to, Breeze. I’ve already prepped him on that.”

“I see.” Breezy unexpectedly turns to me for approval, her eyebrows rising and a small smirk curving the corner of her mouth in question. “What do you think, Tad? Shall we provide our buffering services tonight?”

My chest tightens infinitesimally, and a slow tingle takes root in my fingertips. This level of trust and intimacy—it’s both the best feeling in the world and the scariest and most familiar in ways I promised myself I would never know again in this lifetime.

“Yeah, okay,” I say, my voice cracking so slightly I’m hoping no one notices. “I don’t know how we can refuse when the invitation comes with that much desperation.”

“Oh yay!” Norah grasps her chest dramatically with both hands. “Thank God. I promise I’ll try to keep the vibes upbeat and less WWE if at all possible.”

Breezy rolls her eyes before sticking out her tongue at Autumn, earning a few big belly laughs in response.

And Norah’s smile is one of relief as she focuses her gaze toward me. “But hey, Tad, you proved you can throw a punch if you need to, so if it comes to that, I guess it comes to that. Just, please, avoid the china cabinet on the left of the dining room. It has some of my grandma Rose’s favorite dishes in it.”

“China cabinet on the left is sacred,” I repeat with a laugh. “Got it.”

“Perfect!” Norah chirps. “I’ll see you guys at six, then.” Approaching Breezy playfully, she steals Autumn back and tosses a wave over her shoulder on her way through the door.

“Buh-bye! Buh-bye, Bee!” Autumn waves too as Breezy blows kisses with sloppy wet sounds at her.

But the door pops back open just after it’s slammed, and Norah sticks her head in. “Oh yeah. Invite your brother too, Tad.”

The door bangs again, and Breezy laughs as Norah and Autumn disappear across the lawn. “Oh man,” she says. “Randy’s gonna looove this invitation.”

“I think I’ll just pick him up without telling him where I’m taking him. I really want to see the shock when we drop him in the middle of this crowd.”

“How long has he been over at Grandma Rose’s old place?” Breezy asks as she heads over to the kitchen sink to fill up a glass of water.

“Almost a year now. Though, he’d been trying to buy it from Josie for years,” I update with a shrug. “He’s good over there. Happy, even. Hell, the only reason he stayed here as long as he did is because he thought I needed him to.”

Breezy turns to look at me, her nose scrunched up in confusion. “Why would he think that you needed him?”

My stomach pitches as I chuckle, brushing it off. “You know how older siblings can be,” I say, adding a wink of teasing since she’s the oldest in her brood. A heavy bubble of guilt makes a mockery of my steadiness as I search the counter for my keys, desperate for a decaf-procurement-themed escape.

I care about Breezy—deeply. And yet…I cannot bring myself to mire through the anguish of sharing my life story with her. I cannot allow myself the pain of going back to that place—of reliving and explaining that day. And fuck, I really don’t want to take her on that pain-filled journey with me. It’s too dark.

And trust me, I know weakness isn’t a component of a good man, though vulnerability is. Unfortunately, this version of Tad Hanson cannot be the latter without the first, and the first, at its complex cause, is unsurvivable.

The cold, sharp metal of my keys digs into the palm of my hand and soothes the simmering agony inside. I lift my gaze to Breezy’s consciously, focusing on keeping the brittle edges of my smile at bay. “I’m going to run and get that decaf, come back, and make you an entirely new, even tastier cup of coffee. Then we’re going to get outside and enjoy the sunshine while we have it before the sogginess of late spring in Vermont sets in.”

“Do we have to do sheep things in the sunshine or…” She pauses and offers a little grin in my direction. “I already checked on Tom and Betsy and Mabel this morning. They were happy and cozy in the barn. And even Crosby seemed like he was behaving for once in his rebellious life.”

“No.” I laugh. It’s forced, but after a decade of practice, I’m a pro at faking. “No sheep required. In fact, you can pick the activity, and I promise to participate with bells on. Now, do you need anything else at Earl’s while I’m there? Any cravings flaring up?”

“Oh!” Her eyes go wide with glee. “Hot Cheetos. And some celery. You know, to balance the Cheetos.”

I chuckle. “Can do. Anything else pops into your mind, you can call me or text me, okay?”