Page 116 of Hybrid Heroics

To some extent, I thought they understood why I decided closing the bonds was the best option. I hated doing it, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to focus on Alric being in my mind.

I knew it would hurt them. Though I saw it as a ‘better I hurt them than him’ sort of trade. The Devil you know, and all that bullshit people spewed.

York knew what was happening. Our bond had been closed the entire time he was captive. I still remembered the way my heart ached, as if someone was carving into it the way one would whittle wood.

When that pain didn’t stop, I hardened. I built my walls back up, blocking out everything that didn’t benefit me or push me toward my goals. I had a lot to show for, though I wouldn’t want to go through it again.

I wanted the rough parts of the past to stay there.

The emotional rollercoaster I’d been on for the last few weeks had finally pulled to a stop. The loops and twists were over. Someone had found the emergency brake, slowing us down just in time to hop off at the loading dock.

Despite time and torture, the core of my feelings for York hadn’t changed. Even when that was all I thought I wanted. He loved me more now than he did before, and… Godsdammit. Same.

Not once had Novak hidden his attraction to me. He was all insta-love and impulsive confessions. One day we were flirting, and the next, I was head over heels. I knew it would happen, but I didn’t try to stop it. He was easy, mixing too well with my complexity.

Without a doubt, Stone would kill me. And I’d let him do it, over and over, knowing I was never going to be immune to his seduction. He lit a fire deep within me that burned hotter than anything I had touched before.

Falling for Briggs was the simplest and scariest thing I ever did. We were both all or nothing with everything in life, our cups either overflowing or dry. He was always one extreme or other, sweet and threatening, gruff and romantic, giving and commanding. I was addicted to the whiplash.

I craved the push and pull with Palmer. He knew exactly what to say to piss me off, to shove me beyond my limits. And he also knew all the right words to say to bring me back. Even if I was kicking, screaming, and cursing him.

Hot and cold was Vaughn’s prerogative, though he was exactly what I needed when everything else was too much. He was the crash of waves on the shoreline, the sparkling frost decorating my windows, and the soothing blanket of darkness.

I loved all six of them.

And I was done trying to make it make sense.

I couldn’t make love make sense.

It showed up however it wanted, whenever it wanted, wherever it wanted. It wasn’t black and white. And it definitely didn’t fit in the perfect boxes that I used to compartmentalize my bullshit.

What I did know about it… was that I felt it in a fierce way.

They showed me they loved me in all the little things they did.

York grounded me.

Novak balanced me.

Stone ignited me.

Briggs consumed me.

Palmer challenged me.

Vaughn calmed me.

All things I didn’t know I needed… But they did.

I realized I’d been standing in my closet, staring at the wall for the last thirty minutes, when I heard footsteps in the hall. I recognized the thump of his boots before he raised his knuckles to knock.

“Barbie,” Briggs called, poking his head into my bedroom doorway. “You busy?”

I grabbed a sweatshirt, throwing it over my head as I stepped out of the closet. I couldn’t recall why I was there to begin with… Though I was starting to think that was my thinking spot. There or the shower.

“Nope.”

“I wanted to talk to you, to explain why—”