Page 7 of Summer Camp with the Mountain Man

“Oh don’t worry, they’re both very real,” Georgie says, strutting by with a piece of firewood in each of his gloved hands, never one for getting dirty. “And I’ll have you know, my lawyer says he’ll be able to get me off without even having to pay for the environmental cleanup. So suck it. Which I’d be able to pay for anyway once this bit-coin deal goes through, so the baby seals can suck it too.”

It’s impossible not to accompany your sigh with an eyeroll around this guy. “It was a lake, Georgie, there’s no seals-”

“Giovanni.”

“There’s no seals in the lake you drove into.”

“I’d accept JP too. And an apology.”

“Your name doesn’t even start with a J, and there’s no P. Real name or your new fake name. It’s either George, Georgie, or possibly Orgy but I know how you let that one go to your head.”

“Yeah buddy. But my lawyer says I can’t go by that until the whole legal hoopla over the chick I nailed in the pool house is settled. He said it’s in poor taste or some bullshit. Like it’s my fault these hoes can’t keep their hands off me.”

“It’s really not his fault,” my mom shouts from her campsite. How has she not come to say hi to me yet, but she’s defended this doofus at least twice by this point?

“Your fiancée is such a lucky lady.”

“My what? Oh, right, yeah. You’re damn right she is. Shit, you didn’t meet her before, did you? Because she dyed her hair since then. And put on a little weight. You know, more cushion for the pushin’. Ungh,” he grunts, dropping his firewood to hump a poor tree that will never be the same again.

“Son, knock it off, I’m not unsticking your little pecker from pinesap again.” Sadly, the event Uncle Bobby’s referring to isn’t the one from our childhood but the unfortunate one a few years ago.

“You’re really sure you’re engaged? To a human,” I clarify. “Not some chatbot.”

“We met her this morning,” Aunt Marie says from her seat at the picnic table. “Real looker, that one. Little kooky but a sweetheart. She’s perfect for our little JP.”

Okay now this I need to see. If a woman doesn’t look like she could have strolled in off the set of Real Housewives or Anchored By Love, Georgie Boo Bear won’t so much as glance in her direction. Kooky and sweetheart are the last two words I’d use to describe any of the lucky ladies Giovanni has bedded.

“Oh your ears must be burning,” Mom sings from somewhere in the woods. “Here she comes right now. JP, introduce Cade to your fiancée so we can put this whole thing to bed. Never mind, he’s too busy with his tree. This is my son, Cade. Cade, this is your cousin’s fiancée, Rayne. It’s a weird name, I know, but she’s darling.”

Rayne?

Everything stops when the girl I can’t get out of my head emerges from the row of pines separating the campsites.

I don’t understand.

This can’t be right. There must be some mistake.

My dream girl can’t possibly be engaged to my dipshit in a flesh suit of a cousin.

Our eyes meet.

My heart breaks.

She has no idea how right she was, my life will never be the same again.

FOUR

Rayne

Please tell me this isn’t happening.

Cade? My Dragon from the end of the pier?

I’ve had trouble thinking about anything other than him since we met. I know that was only yesterday but I’ve had a lot of things to think about since then. And every one of them failed to get the attention they deserved.

I was so busy thinking about Cade I’m pretty sure I agreed to pretend to be engaged to his douche nozzle cousin for a week so he can collect his inheritance to pay for a lawyer for some bitcoin thing. I don’t know, I was preoccupied with the sexy dragon flying back and forth through my mind.

Ordinarily I’d laugh at such a proposition but we’re drowning in debt here and my back’s against a wall. He offered to pay off the loans. Had I not just got the call that the teaching position I applied for had already been filled, there’s no way I would have said yes.