Page 116 of The Comedown

“You think I can be bought.”

“No, I don’t,” he says so low the hairs on the back of my neck lift. The crown is free of my hand and returned to the top of my head, then Julian’s pressing down into my space, saying, “I bought you the crown because I knew it’d look good on you. But the crown doesn’t make you my queen, Collette. Your place by my side does.”

“You mean behind you?”

“I mean beside me.”

“On the stage, right? That’s why you want me to stay on for your set. So we can get lots of publicity,” I spit, my breath feeling more like lava than air. “And you can get lots of—”

“I don’t care who knows or who sees!” he roars, his touch falling away as he sends his arms out wide. “I don’t care.”

“I do! This is exactly why I told you I don’t date celebrities.”

“Why?”

“And why I told you I couldn’t get involved with you.”

“Why?”

Each time I reiterate something I’ve already told him several times over, he’s quick to cut me off with “Why?” like he’s not even listening, just waiting for me to let something slip.

His moment comes when he finally switches it up, asking, “Because of who?”

And I scream, “Bodee!” My chest aches, not from the amount of energy it took to get it out, but from the amount of energy it’s been taking to keep it in. I never talk about Bodee, not in a positive light, and especially not in a negative manner, because either way, it always leads to more questions. Questions I refuse to answer. Questions that if I did answer would make me look weak, and I cannot afford to show weakness. Not anymore. The one time I did, it almost killed me and my unborn baby.

Julian just huffs a humorless laugh, and says, “That motherfucker.”

“He made our relationship a circus. He made it a nightmare.” An inescapable one. “Everything was coordinated. Everything is still coordinated. I’ll never be able to get through all his hoops.”

“And me kissing you out there…you feel like that was for…?”

“The same thing it always is with people like us—attention.”

“That’s not why I did it. It had nothing to do with who’s around. It has nothing to do with who’s around.”

“Then what else was it? Because what you’re describing is a luxury nobody living in the limelight has. You have to care about who’s around you at all times.” It doesn’t seem to sink in for him though, so I add, “At least I have to.” Julian doesn’t believe he’s a celebrity, but he is. He just hasn’t had to answer to the mass media like I have. His life hasn’t been completely rocked by scandal before. I wish I could say it’s because he’s lucky, but I know that’s not true. I’m sure Slade and his ironclad NDAs have a hell of a lot more to do with it than luck.

If I weren’t a celebrity, then it wouldn’t matter as much either. The media would still be frothing at the mouth for details, but they wouldn’t expect official statements from PR representatives or confirmation via a social media post consisting of a candid couple selfie accompanying a cute caption with emojis. It’s not this happy accident like he’s talking about.

“I couldn’t hold back anymore. That’s the fucking truth. I have no control when it comes to you. None. Can’t you see that? Last night was the last of it. Gone. Fucking done. I want you so goddamn much. I want you out there in front of the whole world when you keep telling me I can’t. I want you onstage when you’re smiling at me like maybe I can. I want you in here when it’s just us and you actually fucking let me have a small part of you. I want you on your bus, when your family’s around and you let me have a different part of you but guard all the others. I. Want. You. Every. Fucking. Where. That’s why I kissed you. That’s why I still want to kiss you.” His eyes drop to my mouth. “That’s why I will fucking kiss you.”

I put a hand up to stop him, but he keeps coming anyway, dropping his nose to mine, inhaling as he runs the tip over my cheek.

Next to my ear, he whispers, “I’m sorry.” And just when I think he’s going to say for kissing me in public, on a stage, in front of a superdome full of spectators, not to mention the entire internet once they get ahold of tonight’s clips, he says, “I didn’t do a good enough job.”

“With?”

“Erasing all the touches that came before mine. If I did, Bodee Keys wouldn’t still have this hold on you.”

I’m lifted off my feet the next instant, my back slamming into the wall as Julian presses his solid erection into my center.

I manage to croak, “We can’t,” my nails clawing at his shoulders to get him closer despite my weak protest because I feel the same exact way, like I’m done holding back. Like I physically can’t anymore.

He sinks his teeth into the side of my throat, sucking the delicate skin so hard, shivers wrack my body.

“No marks,” I gasp out, remembering the hickey he left on my wrist.

His head shakes once. “No Marks. No Bodees. No one else’s. Only Julian’s.” And the greedy hands holding my ass grip tighter as he rocks into me with an unmistakable possessiveness to match his words. “Only. Mine.”