Page 95 of Let the Light Shine Through

“What the fuck, man? Now you’re bogarting both girls?”

“Not both. Just one. Her.”

One of the boys reaches for me again as he tries to find his footing, but Roz knocks his hand off, telling him, “Don’t fucking touch her.”

“Don’t tell my fuckboys what to do,” I tell Roz, sliding Kori off my lap to stand in the middle of the hot tub.

“Fuckboys?” one of them says, offended, while Roz parrots, “Yours?” before shaking his head once, twice, then steps off the wraparound seat down into the center, too, putting us at eye level with each other to say, “Fine. Let them touch you again, Gia, and I’ll turn this water red.”

“Why?” I repeat, looking into his eyes.

“I didn’t go yet.” He shrugs, his voice stale and not at all convincing.

“Well, that much is obvious.”

We both stare the other down while the other people in the hot tub…I’m not sure what they’re doing. Are they even here still? All I can see, hear, and feel is Roz. All I want to see, hear, and feel is Roz.

Wanting is the kindling for needing though, and I’ve tried to train myself not to need anybody. Needing people when you’re at your lowest means possibly draining them and I won’t risk that.

I can’t.

“So?” I goad, rolling my finger in a circle for him to get on with it.

“I use a hypothetical as a crutch, I mess with people’s heads for my own amusement, I make it seem like I’m fearless but really, I’m the fucking coward.”

I knew Roz had a backbone, I’ve just been waiting for him to use it against me so I can get some closure already.

Let the closing ceremony commence.

“I waste every opportunity I’ve been given because I know I’ll never run out of them, I’m clingy to make up for the attention I didn’t get growing up, I wish I was a coward but I’m just tragic.”

Leaning into my face, Roz grits, “Fuck. You,” and in a knee-jerk reaction, I say, “Ki—”

“I thought this was supposed to be a game,” one of the fuckboys complains, saving me from saying something I shouldn’t.

I shake my head, saying, “It was never a game,” instead.

“Really?” Roz sneers. “Because it sure as fuck feels like I got played.”

“You knew what you were getting into from the jump.”

Roz throws his hands up, sending water droplets into the air. “How could I know anything when you lied every step of the way?”

“I didn’t lie. I just didn’t share every little detail of my life with you. There’s a difference.”

“Is there? Is that what you tell yourself at night after you’re done finger-fucking yourself thinking about me?”

“And I’m the liar? Weren’t you the one that said you didn’t kiss and tell? Loose lips sink ships, Roz.”

“Good thing I’m not a sailor then, baby.” He pushes into me, his chest heaving. “’Cause I’m a fucking snowboarder.”

He doesn’t even flinch when he says it either. Finally. He finally remembers, and like everything in life, it’s both beautiful and heartbreaking.

I lift my jaw in a single nod, then look around at the eyes on us, admitting, “I’m done,” quietly.

I am done. I’ve done everything I said I would and now I can finally walk away from Roz, knowing he’s back on the right path.

At least the only person I had to screw this time was myself.