Page 61 of The Watchmaker of Dachau

I know I must. I must write it. I must explain what is happening here but the sight, my Lord, the sight that awaited us.

The two men who had been asked to watch the water and keep it boiling had not been told what was in the vats. I wish now I had said something – I wish I hadn’t tried to save them from the knowledge.

They were eating. They were eating the pieces of flesh that had come away from the bones and were floating on top of the water.

This time I vomited. Alexander ran towards them, waving his arms in the air. I did not hear what he said to them – perhaps he told them they would get in trouble. Either way, the two men walked right past me, neither looking as though they knew what they had done, leaving us with the memory instead.

It is a week since I last wrote. It feels like longer.

I could not raise a word, either by my hand or mouth, after what happened last week. It was as though I was struck dumb with the images that swirled in my brain.

I have slept weakly. My dreams merging all the time with water, and sometimes a doctor who looks over me and tries to give me an injection.

Alexander and Jeremiah have slept badly too. I see them walking around the camp as if they are dead, as if all three of us died a little bit that day.

One thing I cannot understand is that the hum of bees, the singing of birds and the colours of flowers still exist. How can things carry on as if nothing so horrific is happening around us?

Chapter 21

Anna

March 1945

She felt lighter than she had done in weeks. Seeing Isaac again, hearing the rumours of the Americans coming closer – all of it filled her with a happiness that she could not contain. Greta was a little better and returned to work for half-days, once again mothering her, making sure she ate and drank.

She did not fear Liesl’s screaming demands, did not care that Herr Becher was home more often, locked in his study, always smelling of alcohol, the fires always burning as if someone were adding fuel to them that she never saw.

The arrival of the cars surprised her. Neither was new and shiny like the ones they had had before – both were a little worn, beaten and average.

But they had brought Isaac back to her; he was to fix them, he told her. He was to make it so that they worked perfectly. So now, instead of watches, he had engine parts in front of him, his trembling hands constantly smeared with oil, his fingernails blackened with it.

Anna made coffee for Liesl and took it to her room. She knocked gently on the door, expecting not to receive an answer and to leave it outside. Yet Anna heard her voice from within, weak, pleading, ‘Come in.’

She turned the doorknob, and instead of finding Liesl in bed, she was in her silk shift, her breasts straining against the material, her hair uncombed, falling in knotted tendrils down her back.

Liesl did not turn to look at Anna but stared at herself in the mirror, surrounded by a puddle of dresses and skirts, as if she had tried on everything in her wardrobe and found them all wanting.

‘I brought you coffee.’ Anna placed the cup on her bedside table and made to leave.

‘Look at me.’ Liesl turned, her eyes red and puffy, a smear of lipstick on her cheek where she had attempted to wipe it away with the back of her hand.

Anna did. She looked at her. Her arms were thick at the top, tapering until her wrists met her childlike hands. Her thighs were dimpled and there was a bruise on one of her knees.

‘What am I to do?’ she asked. ‘Look at me. Is this a woman who can survive this?’

‘I think we can survive many things,’ Anna ventured.

‘You have,’ Liesl spat, then looked at herself again.

‘I’ll leave you to dress.’ Anna tried to walk backwards, her hand feeling for the doorknob behind her.

‘When I was younger – wait, how old are you?’

‘Twenty-nine,’ Anna answered.

‘Yes, when I was about your age, I had everything. Men wanted me – all of them, and I took my time choosing. It’s not like choosing a dress, or a lipstick, or even a piece of jewellery, it’s more than that – you have to be sure. I can’t deny I liked the courting, however.’ Liesl smiled to herself, then sat on her dressing chair and opened a small gold cigarette case, taking from it a long thin cigarette which she lit with shaking fingers.

Anna had never seen her smoke before, and the surprise must have shown in her face.