Page 31 of Hearts on the Mend

He ends the call before I can say goodbye, and it’s just as well because I didn’t have a smartass comeback ready.

Ruby bounces on my bed, nearly tumbling to the hardwood floor.

“All packed?” I ask.

“Ugh, yes, Mom. I’m only staying one night.”

If I know Matt, he likely doesn’t have anything at his place for her. I check her overnight bag, fighting back a laugh as I unpack a stack of picture books, her piggy bank, a walkie-talkie, and an old pin box hat she found tucked away in my aunt’s trunk.

“Creative choices. We need pajamas, underwear, and warm socks too. I have your winter gear…” I peek out of my window, bracing myself for what’s about to happen as Matt’s red Explorer swings wide into the driveway.

“Is that him? Daddy?”

I force a smile. “Go ahead. Go say hi. I’ll be right down with your stuff.”

It’s been three months since Matt has seen her. He was finished with being a hotshot, and his parents wanted him closer. So here we are, even if it meant leaving my brother, Benny, behind. He’s a bronc rider, working on a ranch not far from Greybull where we were stationed. I hated leaving him, but he was the one who stuffed a bunch of cash in my hand before I drove out here, telling me he was proud of me.

Benny was meant for the Wild West, long dusty days, and that lonely life of a cowboy. I’m a little jealous he found his place in life, while I’m still trying to find mine.

I don’t want to draw out the divorce any longer. I figure Matt will get sick of visitation soon enough. Which, I realize, is already a pretty fucked-up thing to say, but that’s how he operates. He was always happy to ask for more but never followed through. At first, it made me desperate to give him more, to make sure he loved me enough. But you can’t keep giving a piece of yourself over every time someone demands it, because there are greedy assholes in this world who would be happy to see you a sliver of what you once were and proudly claim responsibility.

I didn’t recognize myself last year. I was a shell of who I was before meeting him. So much of my time, my body, and my energy was thrown behind building his life that I didn’t even recognize my own.

That’s when I knew staying married to him would be the death of me. Maybe not physically, but mentally, and Ruby deserves a mother who loves her life. Even the messier parts. I couldn’t stomach teaching her that loving someone meant abandoning yourself.

I bounce down the stairs, my hand lingering on the wobbly newel post. The icy January day leaks into the house from the cracked front door.

Matt grins, scanning me from head to toe. “Wow, you look great, Cass.”

My almost-ex adjusts his navy cap over his short blond hair. He’s worn it shaved close for the past three years after a crewmate ribbed him about his receding hairline. His hazel eyes are more gray than they are brown or blue, but when we first met, they were enough to stop me in my tracks.

Or maybe, I just wanted so desperately to be seen.

I swallow the vomit rising in my throat. “Make sure she goes to bed on time tonight. I can pick her up in the morning. Can you meet me at the Dunks by the rotary?”

Matt rolls his eyes. “I gave you a compliment. Wouldn’t kill you to say thanks.”

I’m not doing this in front of Ruby. “Thanks for coming to pick her up.”

He mumbles under his breath. “This place is a dump. Is it even safe for her to be here?”

“It hasn’t been updated in a while, but I wouldn’t have moved our daughter into a condemned building.”

He’s always wearing his station shirt, even while off duty. Same with his walkie-talkie at his hip. It buzzes with another call, and he spins, listening before turning down the volume. “Okay, say bye, Ruby.”

She volleys a look between us that guts me, disappointment after hope. Always. She hasn’t let go of the idea that any day, Matt will kiss me and we’ll all move back into one house as a happy family.

I bend down, scooping her up into my arms. I hate leaving her. Hate more that I don’t know anything about Matt’s new house, who’s going to be there, what he has planned for her. I can ask him, but I know he’ll lie. Besides, I moved a strange man into my house. A man I trust, but still. I shove down the guilt pressing against my chest and hope she doesn’t spill the beans. I’ll tell him. I will. I’m just not ready to deal with that right now.

“I’m going to miss you and Noodles, but I’ll see you in the morning. Have a great time with Daddy. I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

He grabs her stuff, opens the door, and shoos her outside.

“No YouTube, Matt. No tablets. She’s still getting sick when she eats peanuts, so no peanut butter.”

“She doesn’t have an allergy.”

“Well, we’re testing. Could be an intolerance. Either way, avoid it. She just got over a fever, so make sure she rests and she’s hydrated.”