Page 107 of A Courage of the Chosen

She watches silently, and comforts me in the way only an animal can. No intention. She doesn’t want anything from me, doesn’t expect me to rule or lead her into a war. Doesn’t care that I wield light and shadows.

One living thing to another. That’s all we are.

She stands by my side through it all until there’s an aching hollow in my chest and no more tears are left. Just an unshakable terror that things aren’t ever going to be the same.

◆◆◆

I don’t push Mabel as hard on the ride back to the palace. I’m worried that I may have been too lost in my own shit in my eagerness to get away, and don’t want to exhaust her.

She ambles along beneath the canopy, content in her stride as I focus on her movements, and the steady thrum of her heart echoes up into my legs.

It’s actually a perfect fall day, a fact I’d have appreciated even twenty-four hours ago. Elfayne’s beauty, the colors woven through the trees that aren’t evergreens and the crispness to the air, is dulled by my bruised heart and crumbling soul. There have been so many revelations in a short space of time, it’s a wonder I have any sense of sanity left.

Granny would have teased me and said that I didn’t have any sense of sanity anyway, and that thought stirs a reluctant amusement somewhere deep inside.

Rationality begins to return in drips. It’s been a month since Tavish unlocked this side of my powers, and nothing has happened beyond the cold sensation sweeping over me at random moments.

He tried to take my light for ‘balance’. That was the only explanation he gave. That has to mean something, right? I’m basically the Seelie equivalent of a unicorn. Who knows how the Dorche magic will manifest alongside the light.

Maybe if I beat this power down, keep it locked away and unused, I won’t turn into a Brollachan, and my light will keep that fate at bay.

It’s the only hope I have left to hold onto, and it’s that tiny flicker that has me straightening my spine, blowing out a long breath, and feeling steadier than I was when I fled this morning.

The analyst in me knows I need a backup plan. A way to make sure my family’s legacy passes to someone I can trust if I do become nothing but scaly skin and shadow-tipped claws, and my only desires are those of death and corruption.

I just have no fucking clue how I’d even do that without raising suspicion. So for now, I’ll desperately clutch to the blind belief that suppressing this side of my magic will buy me enough time to figure out what the hell I do next.

My stomach rumbles, reminding me that I haven’t eaten since yesterday lunchtime. I was too nauseous last night to really stomach anything more than a few mouthfuls of my dinner. Coupled with Callahan’s watchful gaze, there was no way anything was staying down. It was reminiscent of those days after Granny died, when Grandpa was lost to his grief, and I was fueled by my fury and little else.

The gentle trot back to the palace takes a lot longer than I thought it would, and I half rely on Mabel’s sense of direction to get us back to Elfayne City. Luckily, staying close to the shores of Ederline pretty much guarantees we find our way back, and keeping the peaceful lapping of the lake within earshot, even when the forest obscures my view of it, means we eventually emerge onto the path that slopes up toward the gates I hastily left earlier.

The doors are stood wide open when I arrive, and the entire courtyard is in chaos.

Soldiers are sprinting into the stables to grab horses, and there’s a buzz in the air as though everyone is in a state of slight panic without any clear instruction.

“I want three units to leave through the main gates. Three more out that way, and more to begin searching the mountains.” Callahan barks the orders at guards, a frantic energy about him as he secures armor to his chest, sliding his sword down his back with an easy grace.

When he hears the sound of hooves on stone, his head violently snaps in my direction. His expression flickers with something soft before his mask slips into place, but his emotions plow through my chest. He stomps toward me, taking Mabel’s reins from my grip.

“Where the fuck have you been?” His question is low, spiked, and laced with an undertone of knee-trembling relief.

“I went for a ride,” I reply, slipping off Mabel and leading her into the stables with Callahan hot on my heels. He follows me into the stall, a brooding presence that stalks behind me.

When we’re out of sight of everyone, he takes me by the arm and pins me up against the wall. The hard wood presses into my back as Callahan lines up every inch of him with every inch of me.

There’s a wildness tearing through the gray in his eyes. “I woke up and you were gone. No explanation. I thought he’d . . .” The rest of his sentence drops, and his mouth crashes down onto mine.

The kiss is wild and desperate. Interlaced with enough of his fear that I’m mentally kicking myself that I hadn’t thought this would be his reaction when he woke to find me gone.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper between our mouths. “I just needed some space to breathe. By myself. So much has happened since we got back, and it just got on top of me.”

I pray to Dhia that he buys the lie. Our bond is locked down so tightly, and I ooze enough of the anxiety I’d felt earlier in Cal’s direction to show him what kind of headspace I was in, without telling him the whole truth.

“Just . . . don’t do that to me again. At least leave me a fucking note next time or something. I nearly tore this place to the ground trying to find you.”

This side of Callahan is still so new to me, and the strength of his feelings is laid bare between us. He was genuinely terrified, the sensation gnawing away at him as he tries to shake it off. He doesn’t hide it from me either. He lets me feel all of it.

He kisses me again, more languidly this time, cupping my face in his hands before running his nose along the length of mine.