Page 82 of Relapse

That was a feeling that brought me great loneliness. Even though I was enclosed by four walls, I felt stranded. Lost. In a void that kept growing around me.

I had been sitting against the cold bathroom tile for about twenty minutes, maybe longer, before I finally decided to clean up.

My cell phone hummed as I reached over to start the water. I checked the notification. Noah had texted.

Did you make it home okay?

I responded.

Yes. Thank you.

I reached in to feel the temperature of the water. Another vibration moved my phone across the countertop.

Delane. I need to know that you’re okay.

I stared at the message for a while, unsure of how to respond. Because, what did he expect me to say, really? I couldn’t explain to him how I actually felt. How the world around me was foreign, empty and unwelcoming. How I felt like I was in a dreamstate, going through the motions of life while my mind felt like it was comatose.

How having sex with him was the only thing I could think of to make me feel normal again. How I loved every shot of pleasure, only to hate myself afterwards. Only to feel cheap. Only to feel as though I was an outsider in my own body.

I had saved my virginity for a purpose. While I didn’t regret sleeping with Noah, I regretted the circumstance. I wished I could have been honest with him and told him that it was my first time.

He probably would have sent me home. He had enough of his own struggles without adding mine to the mix. He was going through so much already.

After zoning off into space for a long time, I finally replied.

I am okay. How is your dad? I’m sorry. I forgot to ask.

He didn’t respond for a long time. So long, that I stripped off my clothes and got into the shower.

I went through the motions, listing them off each in my head to help me remember. Soap in hand, lather hair. Rinse. Condition hair. Rinse. Soap in hand. Lather body. Rinse.

It was excruciating. Something as comforting as a shower felt like a chore. My body was lead. I just wanted to lay down. Sleep away the world. Wake up in a new life.

Forget that this one existed.

NOAH

My phone buzzed on the nightstand, a loud, insistent reminder of the world that existed outside this realm of subconscious. There was a world I had abandoned for hours, people I had ignored, and a birthday I had intentionally skipped. There were obligations waiting for me at the hospital.

I checked my phone again.

There was Delane. Who, for the first time since rescuing her, seemed like she was not okay. This scared me. I wished I knew how to help her, but I was overcome by remorse. Here I was, in a house with my family, sending her home alone to an empty space. Not only that, but I constantly longed for the day David would be completely out of my life. I sometimes even wished he had died from the stabbing. These dark thoughts contrasted with Delane’s reality: she had actually lost her father. She had no one now.

With a groan, I forced myself up from my bed. My muscles ached in a way that reminded me of my night filled with exertion and reckless choices.

My back across a desk for example.

I shuddered the thought away before I could think much more about him, reaching under my pillow to take a drag from my vape pen. I had to be intentional about moving the places that I hid it now, especially after the conversation Damian had with me before I crashed.

Unfortunately, the hit didn’t do much for me at the moment. After the molly and weed, I assumed it wouldn’t. My body was ready for something stronger, and I needed to feed it.

I eased myself down the hallway and into my mother’s suite. Her restroom lit up on entry. The lights knew I was there, and they knew exactly where to guide me.

I opened her cabinets, knowing I’d find a full bottle of Vicodin. She’d keep asking her doctors for more, they’d prescribe it, and I’d continue to take my fill. I popped two in my mouth and two in my pocket. For later.

A few hours and I’d be numb. Blissful. Then maybe I wouldn’t be thinking so much about Silas or Delane.

Maybe my mind would shut up and let me be. For once.