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What I really wanted to test was his reaction. To me. And what he would do if he thought I was actually leaving him completely.

“Life is so fragile, you know?” I said with a sigh, lifting the gun and the barrel to my temple. I tapped it against my head a few times.

Noah visibly stiffened.

“Silas, what are you doing? Stop.” A small, nervous chuckle escaped him. He was sweating bullets—had to be.

I kind of loved it.

I came around the desk, circling him where he sat.

“You live for this type of thing, I know you do. This rush. How easy, one click and it could all be over.”

I wasn’t even really sure what I was saying anymore, but I wasn’t going to stop. I leaned forward and jammed the gun into both of our hands, locking our fingers together before he could pull away. My pointer finger pressed over his, inching the trigger down. He reached his free hand to my wrist—too slow. Before he could stop me, I drove our fingers down together in one swift motion, the barrel of the gun still pressed to my own head.

“Si—!”

The sickening click caused even my own heart to stop, and the blood ran cold in my veins. The gun clattered to the floor beneath us, and Noah grasped my head with both of his hands, shaking uncontrollably.

“Why? Why would you do that, Silas?!”

I nestled my head into his palms, clinging to him for dear life. He was my fucking anchor to this world.

“See?” I said, unable to hide the slight quiver. “I’m still here.”

His heart was hammering so violently, I swore I could feel it. Just like I could feel my own heart pulsing in my throat all the way up to my eyes. My hands flew to his chest. I pulled down his hands to mine, holding them there.

“Listen—our two hearts. Yours is about to explode.”

Noah nodded, shakily.

“Do you feel that? That panic running through you? You live for that high.”

I lived for it too.

Noah’s eyes glazed over as he listened, half-lidded and dark with need. Maybe even angry. His grip tightened around mine, hands holding me firmly in a way I’d only ever dreamed of. It felt like he didn’t want to let me go. Ever.

My arousal was impossible to cover at that realization. So real that I spoke it into existence.

“It gets me hard just thinking how much you feared for me there,” I panted, bringing my lips down to him. I said the next phrases slowly, carefully, so that they’d burn into his mind.

“You want me. You need me. You don’t want me to be gone.”

“I don’t,” he confirmed with a quiver of his voice. My heart somersaulted into my ribs. Thinking it was one thing, but hearing him say it was something totally different.

Fuck, I wanted him to be mine forever. I didn’t want to lose him either. The thought hollowed me to my very center, and I needed him to understand what life would be like if we didn’t have each other.

“I want to be your weapon, Noah. Whenever you think you want to be done with this world, I want to fill you, destroy you. Make you come undone. You want to leave this world? I’ll fuck you into another one. Do you understand me? I am your gun, your trigger, and your bullet…and you’ll be mine.”

My hands slid up to his face and stayed there, cupping his cheeks and resisting every urge to kiss him. His constant shift of gaze from my eyes to my lips told me he wanted me. Wanted my touch. My kiss.

But I wanted to push him. How hard? I didn’t know. But I needed to see how much pressure I could apply until he cracked, until he came completely undone beneath me, before he showed me the true emotions within him.

I glanced down again at the gun, hand inching down slowly to pick it up.

“It only has one bullet in there, you know. We could spin the barrel. Play chance with the fucking universe. Do you want to?”

Watching the flicker of question register in Noah’s head made my cock pulse. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but a twisted part of him, deep down inside, wanted to, because he had nothing to lose.