Page 70 of The Surfer

Cove goes quiet. “You made me go into the water,” he says with an undertone of menace.

What?

“No, I didn’t make you go into the water,” I reply. I can’t believe what I was hearing. He’s blaming me for this?

“You did. You made me.”

“No, I asked you to try surfing for me,” I say. “I didn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”

Cove’s not backing down. “You knew what I felt about surfing, you knew how I never wanted to do it again, but you asked me to do it for you. You knew I can’t refuse your wishes, Ripley. I can’t refuse your wishes. I couldn’t. You knew that I can’t refuse but still you asked me to surf and then I fell off just as I predicted. And it’s all because of you.”

“So, you’re blaming me?”

I don’t believe this.

He is blaming me.

His voice gets louder now. Full of spite and anger. “I told you this would happen, that this was exactly I was scared of and yet you still persuaded me to get into the fucking water. It’s your fault, Ripley.” He points down at his trembling legs. His scars are so visible, it's like they’re shining in the sun. “This was all your fault.”

No.

“Hang on, I just asked you to try, I didn’t force you.”

Cove shakes his head, his breathing slowing. He looks away from me at the sand, his face snarling. “This was all a big mistake.”

“What was?” I ask, tears forming in my eyes.

No, don’t cry, Ripley. Not now. Not in front of Cove.

“It was all a big mistake.”

“What was a mistake?”

“All of this,” he says, gesturing at the whole beach, but it’s like he’s gesturing at everything - our last few weeks together, our time spent together. Our time falling in love. He’s saying it was all a mistake. “You trusted me and pushed me to surf and then I fucking failed again. The exact same thing happened as what happened in the surf competition. I fell off, again. I fucking failed, again.”

“You didn’t fail,” I try to say but Cove cuts me off with an aggressive wave of his hand.

“You’ve taken everything away from me, everything I liked, everything I used to cope with my pain.” He’s in his own world, his own train of thought. He’s growing angrier with each poisonous word that escapes his lips. This is the Cove I saw that first day I met him, this is the arrogant Cove. The selfish asshole. This is the Cove who was distant from me and mocking of me the day we met. He reminds me of how worlds apart we really are from each other. The billionaire surfer boy and the pale geek from Queens. We were never meant to meet, never meant to cross oceans to fall in love. I feel so small and it’s like the Cove I love is disappearing in front of me and that there’s no way I can hold onto him. “You took everything away from me and for what? To make me surf again, to fall off again? To make me fail again? Haven’t you embarrassed me enough, Ripley?”

“I haven’t,” I cry, and I can’t stop the tears now. They come pouring out from me.

“You took away the only things that helped me cope with the scars. You took away the drugs and the nightclub, the booze, and the girls. It’s all your fault.”

“No, Cove.” There’s nothing I can say or plead with him; he’s completely in his own world now, blaming me for everything. I can’t reach him; my voice can’t get through the anger surrounding him. Cove has changed in front of my eyes. The fall just then has woken the beast inside and I see nothing in his eyes but resentment towards me.

He’s blaming me for everything. He’s pushing me away.

It’s everything I feared coming true right in front of me.

“I’m nothing but a failure, can’t you see that, Ripley? No, you can’t. You could never see that, you’ve just been so infatuated with me that you were blind to who I really am from day one. You haven’t been able to see who I am at all. I’m nothing but a failure, so why do you insist that you can fix me? I can’t be fixed, Ripley. I’m not some patient to be fixed. I’m nothing but a fucking failure, but you never saw that.”

He’s not a failure. He’s my Cove.

But he’s not anymore.

He thinks I’m delusional.

He thinks he’s a failure.