Page 18 of Stroke Rate

Chapter sixteen

Chris

Before Chris had even opened his eyes, he knew he was in bed alone. The space between had long gone cold, not filled with the warm safety of the body he had fallen asleep on.

Gone was the smell of snickerdoodle cookies.

Gone were the soft words whispered to him.

Gone was the overwhelming feeling of rightness Chris had been looking for his whole life.

River was gone, and all Chris felt was an empty loneliness.

So fucking alone.

Fuck, what had even happened last night?

You submitted, you let go, you let him use you without rules. He remembered sucking River’s dick; he remembered coming, and using River’s cock like a pacifier, completely sated. He remembered the warm safety of River running fingers through his hair and the gentle vibrations of River humming, and then the floaty feeling of nothingness before going comatose. The previous safety of being with River vanished; the warmth in his chest replaced by his old friend, the icy burn of loneliness. What did I do wrong? How come no one ever keeps me?

Chris touched his lips. They ached with the echo of River’s mouth on his and with the memories of the night before. Mental images flashed behind his eyes like an old movie reel. River's smoldering gaze on him with those honey-freckled eyes. River cupping his cheek, River biting that juicy abused lip, and River’s mouth slack and panting after finding his release. And the words, all the praise that Chris had needed his whole life, River spoke them with such ease. Chris didn’t have to earn those words. River didn’t make him prove himself.

River declared Chris a good boy, a singular truth, a scripture, and Chris accepted it. Chris had let those words fill him and soothe him, but now those words seemed like something a false prophet would spew, something said to manipulate a heart to follow and believe.

No.

No.

No.

That wasn't who River was. Chris knew it in his soul. River wasn't that type of man, a man to whisper pretty words to manipulate Chris. River was sincere, honest, and kind. Something must have happened. Right? Something must have spooked him. River wouldn't have left Chris aching with hurt on purpose; he believed that with everything he was.

With every minute that passed, the profound need to repair the broken, to manage the unknown, and to bring some sense of normalcy reared its ugly head. To "fix" was the way Chris seemed to find comfort when situations were overwhelming and out of his control. The compulsion to make things right, to figure out a workaround, helped to settle him. Chris hated this part of himself, the part that wanted to fix everything and everyone, even at his own detriment. The part that broke himself to build others up.

If his brothers had a problem, even if they weren't talking to him, Chris wanted to help. If his parents were having troubles, he was their sounding board, and he tried to help them get to the bottom of it, even if being in their presence hurt every single time. At least while he was "helping," they still wanted him. They still kept him around. You are pathetic, no one wants you, he inwardly cringed at the fact he did it over and over again just to feel wanted, but in his "fix-it" minded space, Chris could make sense of the chaotic emotions that fed his insecurities.

Chris tapped out a text before noticing a piece of paper on the table beside him. Grabbing it, he felt the empty pit of despair trying to suck him in; the feeling of free fall so overwhelming, he felt like he was going to vomit the emotions swirling in his gut. He knew what it was, and he didn't want to read it.

I’m sorry.

I can’t do this.

River

Seven words, that was all he got.

River left.

River left.

River left?

And all River had left were seven words scribbled on a worn piece of scratch paper. Seven pathetic words. That's all you’re worth, the voice in his head taunted. Ignoring the voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother, he completed his pathetic text and sent it.

Chris

I’m sorry if I did something wrong to upset you. If I pushed you to do something you didn’t want to do. Sorry if I was too intense! If I did or said something wrong, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.

River