Page 2 of Stay Here Forever

When the music ceased, Miss Jacobs gave the slightest nod of her head in acknowledgment before rushing across the room to the dashing Rufus. A sea of people between them, Luke knew with finality he had lost her.

CHAPTER 1

London, England—1815, eleven years later

Audrey pinched the bridge of her nose and shut her eyes for a moment, reveling in the quiet pause before returning her tired focus to the dinner menu before her.

Leaning over the slim writing desk to catch the overcast October light illuminating her page through the window, she assessed the weekly meal plan she’d been composing. Audrey had been doing this for so long, Monday after Monday, that it had become second nature. And yet her hand paused before writing out roast chicken with peas and potatoes in butter sauce, recalling how Felix had grumbled about eating potatoes again last evening. But really, what else did he expect her to serve him when providing only a pittance for groceries each week? Looking out the window and watching Londoners pass by on the street, she sighed at how very mundane everything felt.

Sitting up straight, gripped by a fierce desire to add some small spark of joy to the week, Audrey searched her mind for a dish that would feel a bit different. Apples were just beginning to ripen for the season and were not too dear. The thought of spiced, baked apples made her mouth water—Rufus had so loved the roasted treat. An affectionate smile lifted the corners of her lips at the thought of dear Rufus. She only wished he could be here to share the meal with them.

But Audrey’s lips soon turned down, frown lines appearing between her brows as her mind drifted unbidden to the thought of just how long she’d been waiting for Rufus to return. Quickly shaking her head as if to tumble such unwanted thoughts out of her mind, she focused on finalizing the menu.

Just as she was sanding the parchment, Audrey shot up in her seat when the door to the small parlor burst open and hit the wall with a bang, ushering in the sound of rustling skirts.

“I hate men!” Victoria exclaimed with a sob as she violently threw herself on the chaise and buried her tear-stained face in her arms. Used to her sister’s theatrics, Audrey rose from her desk to comfort the prostrate young woman while trying to decipher her muffled exclamations—almost positive that what she’d heard from within the cushions was “I shall never marry.” But she heard Victoria’s next statement clearly, and it stopped her instantly— rooting her to the spot where she stood.

“I’ll live a happy life as a spinster, just as you do.”

Cold engulfed Audrey as she watched Victoria sob into her sleeve, unaware of the impact of such brash words. Worrying her lip as she regained her ability to move, she sank down onto the chaise beside her sister.

“Victoria, darling, what’s happened?” Audrey swallowed the uneasy feeling stirring deep within her abdomen while she brushed hair off of her sister’s damp, blotchy cheeks.

Victoria made her debut the past season, and it had been a bit rocky from the start. A true beauty with a brazen attitude to match, she caused quite the stir, catching the attention of many eligible gentlemen. But holding on to such attention and turning it into any kind of commitment was something else entirely.

Over the years, it had somehow escaped Audrey’s notice that her family’s status had declined within the ton. Though they had never been one of the more notable families within the aristocracy, they had been respected for their long-held title and service to the Crown. Despite the lesser title, Barons Jacobs had a proud tradition of working in service to His Majesty’s government. Her own father worked within the Foreign Office, eschewing expectations of the landed gentry to remain gentlemen of leisure. He took great pride in trying to reestablish British relations on the Continent after the French Revolution, amid the rise of Napoleon, and he was widely admired within the ton for his efforts.

But Felix had not assumed such a role once becoming baron himself though war with France had recently been declared. Between making her debut a mere six months after their father’s passing and falling so deeply in love with Rufus soon after, Audrey simply didn’t notice at the time the deviation from tradition her brother had taken. No, it was only now, after months into the new season with Victoria, that Audrey truly understood how far removed her family had become from their prior social circle—connections and esteem dissipating as quickly as her brother’s coins at the card table.

Their tarnished status had done Victoria no favors, and over the months all her possible suitors dwindled to one as the season came to a close. And now that it was autumn, most within polite society had retreated to their country homes. Based on her sister’s current state, Audrey could only surmise that her final suitor, Mr. Easton, was no longer an option either.

Turning over abruptly, Victoria flung herself at Audrey, who found the shoulder of her morning gown quickly dampening. “Michael said he can no longer stay in London only for my sake, as much as he might want to. His family expects him back at their estate to take control while his brother is away.” Victoria dissolved into another fit of sobbing before she finally tired herself out after an additional five minutes of agonized tears. Her sniffles dying down, she played with the ribbon trim on her gown as she quietly added, “I know he talked with Felix a few days ago as his departure approached, but he became withdrawn after that. And though Michael never spoke about it, I know his family’s estate is in need of funds—I believe he left without proposing because Felix cannot provide a dowry.”

Something inside Audrey crumpled at her sister’s sorrow. Had she truly been living in such a prolonged fog of love and expectation while waiting for Rufus that she’d failed to notice how bad things had become? Over the past six months, as the events surrounding Victoria’s debut brought back memories of her own, she found her memories of Rufus had begun to feel faded. But she’d resisted peering through the haze, suppressing any doubt that began to creep in—not wanting to see anything with true clarity. It hurt to acknowledge just how lonely and stilted her life had become while waiting for Rufus to return to her. However, her sister’s words cut straight through the fog, and she was seeing clearly, not resisting the dissipation, for the first time.

“But we don’t need men, do we, Audrey?” Victoria said with sudden vehemence, dashing the back of her hand across her face to dispel the remaining tears. “You’ve never needed anyone, and look at you—you have a full life taking care of me and tending house for Felix. I’ll follow in your example and live life on my own. I don’t need to be married in order to be fulfilled.” Victoria beamed up at Audrey in reverence as she finished her proclamation.

It felt as if in one second, Audrey’s life became crystal clear. And the absolute last thing she would ever want was for her beautiful sister to end up in the same position. She was not an exemplar, and god help her, she wasn’t happy. Audrey had wasted a decade of her life standing still. Waiting.

Waiting for a man who should have returned for her long ago.

Beaming, but with suspiciously glassy eyes, and oblivious to how she had completely upended Audrey’s understanding of her world, Victoria leaned over and kissed her cheek before skipping toward the door. “I feel like an entirely new woman having talked with you,” she said, twirling to face her sister. “Thank you for being such an example. Spinsterhood should be embraced and celebrated, as we have no men with whom to tie us down.”

Eyes still turned toward the now-vacant doorway, Audrey felt as if she wanted to weep.

For the first time in a long while, she looked deep inside herself and saw the truth she’d been trying to avoid fully comprehending for a long, long time.

Rufus wasn’t coming back.

Sucking in a shaky breath, she let the understanding fully wash over her. Truthfully, something inside her had known for quite some time, but she would never let herself acknowledge it—always running from the truth of the situation until Victoria had broken her open with her observations. Only now was the knowledge seeping through cracks in the armor she’d built up around her heart, settling deep within her bones and making itself at home.

Was that really how Victoria and, heaven forbid, others saw her? A spinster? Yes, Rufus had been away a long time—much longer than she’d ever anticipated when he told her he needed time before settling down. Yet never once had Audrey thought that he wouldn’t return at all, as her sister implied.

Surely, Victoria would not have used the term spinster if she held any hope of Audrey making a match with Rufus in the end. Perhaps she’d said it offhand in her distress?

But it was as if a page had been turned, and she could no longer see herself as a woman living in hope; now, she could only see herself as Victoria did, a spinster. Not the happy kind. The kind who had been abandoned and walked around in an alternate reality while others shook their heads. The kind who stopped truly living and never even noticed. The kind whose existence revolved around keeping house for her brother, believing it to be good training for the day she would run a home as the wife of Baronet Campbell. Her cheeks warmed recalling how, not even a half hour earlier, she’d planned the weekly menu with Rufus’s preferences in mind.

No, she couldn’t let Victoria believe there was anything noble in being like her. Audrey wasn’t strong—she had simply stopped living and allowed her life to slip away as she waited for what she now definitively knew to be improbable—Rufus to return to her.