Page 7 of Offside

My lack of people skills extended to all relationships, unfortunately. I wasn’t just bad at making friends–I was bad at talking to women, too.

Most of it was nerves.

It was a lot easier in high school, but never knowing how long I'd be somewhere took a toll. I wasn’t smooth enough to just chat women up in bars, and the only successful hook-up I’d ever had stretched into two weeks that ended with her ghosting me.

Kind of a low blow.

Besides, it wasn’t like I even really craved it. I craved having someone, sure, but the brief times I did, it was just blah. It was boring or clumsy, and honestly, I spent most of it waiting for it to be over so I could go home and just get myself off alone.

I was much happier as a one-man band, if you know what I mean.

But still, I’d see a happy couple like Ash and Thayer, teasing one another about something dumb and making dinner together…and I’d crave it.

It was brief, but I felt it deep in my chest.

How nice it could be to just have someone.

“How you been, Karts?” Thayer asked, handing Ash a spoon to hold while he sat on the counter next to him.

I got the sense Ash was there more for looks and entertainment than actual help.

“Good, just…you know–all over the place,” I tried to joke, but even I heard how tired I sounded in that one sentence.

Couldn’t keep a stable relationship, couldn’t keep a stable career–the dating app profile was writing itself, honestly.

All I was missing was a picture of me holding a fish, and I was set.

“It’ll stop,” Thayer sighed, leaning back on the counter, between Ash’s legs. Ash put the spoon down, draping his arms around Thayer’s neck to lock him in place there.

Again, I got the sense Thayer had no intention of going anywhere.

Pang.

Why were Ash and Thayer triggering my longing so badly–it was never this bad around other couples.

This was going to be a rough time for me–I needed to find an apartment fast.

Honestly, it went against my better judgment to sign any type of lease, but I really did hate living out of hotels. I kept it to myself, so Ash strong-arming me to come stay with them for a few weeks was all his own doing, and as much as I fought, I appreciated it.

Thayer’s phone started ringing, making Ash groan and roll his eyes as Thayer left to answer it. He slid off the counter with a pout, taking over cooking for Thayer.

“It’s probably my mom–she calls him so much right now because he’s in her friggin book club,” Ash grumbled, stirring some pasta like it was a punishment that his boyfriend and his mom got along that well.

My family was all I had, so I'd hoped my boyfriend would be that close with them, too.

Girlfriend for me, though–I was just saying.

“That sounds nice, though–I’d like it if my partner were that close to my family,” I said casually, taking a seat at the bar counter to stay out of his way.

“Eh, until you live it,” he mumbled, tapping the spoon off and setting it down before focusing on me casually. “I almost miss the days she was texting me every few days to make sure I still wanted all this with him, asking if I was sure–blah blah blah. It’s nice that they don’t argue or act weird around one another, but they read romance books, and it’s really weird to hear my mother and boyfriend discussing the logistics of whether a described sex position was actually possible.”

“That does actually sound like torture,” I laughed, finally earning another one of those rare, real smiles from Ash–he did not give them freely.

“No, what’s torture is him trying them with me and not telling me, just so he can find out for himself,” he laughed along, making it hard for me to breathe now. “And then having to bite his tongue when my mom brings it back up.”

“Jesus,” I managed, forcing myself to take a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right–maybe I don’t want a partner that close.”

Ash settled too, returning to his casual stirring, not focusing on me so much anymore. “You keep saying partner,” he trailed off, still not looking up at me…or putting pressure on me. “Is that because…”