Page 9 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

I looked at him in surprise, but he went on to explain that James was in Scotland, where my uncle had put him in charge of one of the smaller estates for the spring and summer.

“Father hopes it will teach him a little responsibility.” There was a dryness in Richard’s voice which made me hesitate to ask any more questions. I had supposed that James, as the eldest, must be accustomed to managing the family’s affairs. Apparently my uncle did not think him quite ready for anything larger.

I do not think Darcy wished to tell Georgiana everything Lady Catherine had done, but Elizabeth insisted that I could not be expected to keep it from her. I was afraid Georgiana would hate me. She wept when she heard it, but after a few days she seemed to accept what Darcy and Richard told her: I had suffered at Lady Catherine’s hands too. Georgiana knows now that Lady Catherine is not my mother, though the truth of my birth must remain a secret if I am not to be shunned.

It was the first of April before we could leave London, because Darcy needed to make arrangements for Lady Catherine’s care. I asked what would be done for her and Darcy told me that my uncle was purchasing a house on a remote Scottish island, where a number of trusted servants from Pemberley and Matlock would attend her. Rosings was to remain unlet for the present, with a reduced household to care for it. Before Richard left us, I told him and Darcy that I never wanted to go there again, that I wanted to sell it. Both of them were shocked but also understanding. It transpires that Father’s will allows the trustees to sell, but only if both agree, and the money must remain in trust for my benefit. Neither coming of age nor marrying would by itself bring that arrangement to an end. I could not simply give Rosings to a husband and let him do as he pleased. Darcy looked at Richard as he told me that, and I wondered what Elizabeth might have said to him, but Richard only shook his head.

“Darcy, don’t be ridiculous. Anne can’t possibly marry this year, or perhaps even the next, not until she regains her health. She’s only twenty, with plenty of time, and with Rosings for a dowry she’ll not lack for suitors, even if she makes it clear she will not live there.”

The Earl and Richard had both agreed without hesitation that Darcy must be my guardian. Darcy and Richard were also appointed trustees of Rosings, and the Earl had pulled some strings with the courts to have the papers drawn up quickly. It only made sense, after all; Darcy was already Georgiana’s guardian. Well, with Richard, but that had been a formality drawn up by George Darcy to safeguard Georgiana in case something should happen to Darcy.

Once things were settled in London we went to Hertfordshire and stayed several days with the Bingleys at Netherfield, near Elizabeth’s childhood home. Jane Bingley, married on the same day as Elizabeth, is fair-haired and tall; I had expected another Elizabeth. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met. Her husband Charles is friendly and charming, and so besotted with her that he calls her his angel. Each time, she smiles at him as though he had said something entirely original.

Elizabeth tells me that I am fortunate that Mr Bingley’s sisters are away visiting with other relatives. Apparently one of the sisters set her cap for Darcy and made a complete fool of herself, because he had eyes for no one but his Lizzy.

Mary and Kitty are different again from Jane. Mary and I can sit and discuss a book, though she often brings the conversation round to religion. Kitty has become a particular friend to Georgiana; she makes her laugh more freely than I have ever heard her laugh.

Apparently there is a younger sister as well, but she has made a rather improvident marriage and lives in Newcastle. I daresay we shall not meet.

We reached Pemberley on Wednesday, the sixth of April. The journey from Hertfordshire had seemed very short; the four of us younger girls travelled in a carriage together with Georgiana’s companion Mrs Annesley, giving the Darcys their privacy. Kitty had an endless store of stories and jokes, keeping Georgiana and me laughing, and even Mary seemed to unbend when she saw we were not offended.

Pemberley is even more beautiful than I remembered. The staff were assembled to greet us, though it took me a moment to realise they had come chiefly for their new mistress. Darcy smiles more often than I remember. He and Elizabeth have twice slipped away together in the afternoon; the other day I went to the library for a book and nearly walked in upon them in an embrace. I escaped before they saw me, but my cheeks burned all the way upstairs.

I wonder what it would be like to be kissed as Darcy kissed her. I can imagine only Richard, though I fear he still thinks of me as a child. Perhaps he has a sweetheart somewhere, an actress or an opera dancer. Why must I picture her?

Stop it. I must stop this jealousy. I fear I shall go mad like my mother—like Lady Catherine, I mean—if I dwell on it. Next Friday we are going to dinner at the Thurstons, and I shall smile and dance if I am asked. Kitty and Georgiana have been teaching Mary and me the steps. Mary objected at first, but I persuaded her to join us. She and Kitty have also been watching how Elizabeth manages Pemberley and learning what they can.

16 April

The dance was not so dreadful as I had feared. I had expected to sit with the dowagers all night, but young men, and some not so young, asked me to dance. They knew who owned Rosings. By this morning I could scarcely remember their names, or anything they had said to me.

Elizabeth assures me that I have gained some weight and colour. My hair, which once lay flat however it was dressed, has some life in it now. Kitty says I look more like Georgiana every day. I cannot see it; I shall never have her height or her beauty. Yet my birth mother was chosen for her resemblance to Anne Darcy, so perhaps Kitty sees something I do not.

Kitty drew plenty of attention last night. Georgiana did too, though she is not yet out and Darcy would not permit her to dance. I caught myself wondering why the gentlemen pursued Kitty when she has so little dowry, and was ashamed of thinking as Lady Catherine would have. What does it matter, if a man can support a wife? Those who sought Kitty seemed to enjoy her company. I fear Georgiana and I shall never be quite certain why a man seeks ours.

There was one gentleman whose name I remembered without assistance: Mr Hugh Byerly, whom Mrs Thurston introduced to me before dinner. He was a guest in the house, and I found myself seated beside him at table. He is not very tall, though his figure is good and his coat fitted him so beautifully that even I noticed it. His linen and cravat were quite immaculate.

I expected the usual questions about my health, followed by a few remarks about Rosings. Instead, he asked whether I had been to Derbyshire before, and when I mentioned the pleasure of having access to Pemberley’s library, he wanted to know what I had found in it.

“Mostly Shakespeare, thus far,” I confessed. “There is so much to choose from that I retreat to someone I know.”

“A sound policy in a crowded room, too,” he said, glancing along the table. “Though I hope you will make an exception for your present company.”

That made me smile. He asked which of the plays I preferred, and listened to my answer without once looking over my shoulder to see if someone more interesting was available. When I admitted that I sometimes had to read a passage several times before I understood it, he confessed to doing the same himself. I began to feel quite comfortable.

He has lately settled into a house in London, which he described with considerable pleasure. The furnishing of it had occupied him all winter, apparently; he had even chosen the curtains himself. I could not imagine Darcy taking such an interest in curtains, but Mr Byerly seemed to think it quite natural that he should have an opinion about things he must look at every day.

“Do you spend much time in the country?” I asked.

“As much as my friends will permit. I should like a place of my own, when I find one that suits me. Town has its advantages, but I should not wish to spend the whole year there.”

I thought that quite sensible. He spoke warmly of the Thurstons’ hospitality, though when the pudding came round he declined it with a regretful smile.

“Mrs Thurston’s cook will be the ruin of my waistcoats. I have already eaten more rich food this week than I ought.”

My spoon paused above my own portion. It was a very good pudding, and I had been enjoying it immensely until that moment. Mr Byerly did not look at my dish, however, and went on to ask if he might have the honour of a dance later. By the time we had arranged it, I had almost forgotten to be uncomfortable. I finished my pudding, though rather more slowly.

Mary danced a few times, though she refused the quicker dances. She says one cannot converse sensibly while spinning about the floor. I could not have managed them myself; I have not yet the strength. Still, I enjoyed watching Elizabeth coax Darcy into a reel with Kitty and the Thurstons’ youngest son.