Page 83 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

“Very pleasant,” I said.

I could answer honestly. I had danced, talked, and been attended to very kindly. There had been nothing to distress me.

I wish I did not feel obliged to examine my feelings after every agreeable hour spent with Mr Byerly. It makes something which ought to be a pleasure seem almost like a lesson for which I shall presently be required to give an account.

16 October

I have discovered who Miss Bingley’s gentleman is, and I very much wish I had not.

Jane came to see Elizabeth this afternoon. I had been sitting with Lizzy before she arrived, but went into the adjoining library to find a book to read, leaving the door open. I was sitting down, looking at the first pages of a book of poetry, when I heard Jane introduced by the butler, and Jane had not been in the room above a minute before she said Mr Byerly’s name.

I did not immediately attend, engrossed by the poetry. Then she mentioned mine.

“Caroline had certainly expected him to seek her out,” Jane said. “I think she found his attentions to Anne rather difficult to bear.”

“To Anne?” Elizabeth sounded surprised. “Jane, do you mean that Mr Byerly is the gentleman you wrote about?”

“Yes. Did I not tell you?”

“You described him very entertainingly, but you omitted his name.”

There was a little pause.

“Oh, dear,” Jane said. “I suppose I did.”

I was no longer attending to the poetry. I ought to have put down my book and gone back to greet Jane, but I remained where I was.

Jane explained that Mr Byerly had spent a good deal of time in their company since he arrived in London and came to introduce himself. He had been agreeable and attentive, and Caroline had become very pleased with him.

“I do not say that he gave her any particular reason to expect more,” Jane added. “But she had begun to hope, and I am sorry she should be disappointed.”

Elizabeth made a small sound which I suspected was an attempt not to laugh. “I am sorry too, Jane. But you must not expect me to be sorry that he danced with Anne.”

“Of course not! Anne has done nothing wrong. I told Caroline so.”

My face grew hot.

“She cannot have supposed that Anne came to London for the purpose of inconveniencing her,” Elizabeth said.

Jane did not answer immediately.

“Oh, Jane. Surely not.”

“She was very vexed, Lizzy. I do not think she considered what she was saying.”

Elizabeth was silent for a moment. When she spoke again, she sounded less amused.

“Anne has known Mr Byerly for several months. She was pleased to meet him again, and had every reason to suppose he was pleased too. There is nothing in that for which she ought to apologise.”

“I quite agree,” Jane said. “I only wish Caroline had not allowed herself to become so certain.”

“And Mr Byerly is permitted to choose for himself,” Elizabeth added. “Being agreeable to a lady does not oblige a gentleman to marry her.”

“I know it. I think Caroline knows it too, when she is not unhappy.”

I could not remain hidden after that. I came back with the book, feeling as though I must look exceedingly guilty, though neither of them had said anything against me.

Jane greeted me and asked what I was reading. I answered her, and we talked for a little while about books. I do not know whether Elizabeth guessed that I had heard them.