Page 77 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

Richard remains until Wednesday. I have been glad of his company today, although I am trying not to arrange every occupation so that it may be performed in the room where he happens to be. This is more difficult than it ought to be, considering that I am resolved not to continue pining over him.

I shall miss Mr Byerly’s visits. I have become accustomed to hearing what he and Darcy have been doing, and to discovering whether we agree about a book or a picture. I was sorry when his carriage went away.

But I have not spent the afternoon wishing that it would turn back.

I do not know whether affection might grow into something more if I allowed it time. At least I have been permitted to find out.

21 September

Richard has gone back to Matlock, and I have managed not to disgrace myself upon the occasion.

I had hoped to see him again at Mary’s wedding, but he told us yesterday that we must not depend upon his coming. James is expected home from Scotland early next month, and my uncle wishes Richard to be present when they discuss what has occurred.

I suppose that is sensible. James may find it more difficult to dismiss Richard’s description of Lady Catherine’s actions when Richard is sitting before him.

Nevertheless, I could wish that his return had been arranged for almost any other time.

Richard expects to join us in London afterwards, though he cannot yet say precisely when. I tried not to look disappointed when he told me. It is unreasonable to suppose that his arrangements ought to be made for my convenience, and I know that he has things to attend to at Matlock quite apart from James.

Still, James seems to have a particular talent for preventing Richard from being where I should like him to be.

This morning I kept myself occupied until the carriage was ready. Elizabeth had asked me to help sort some papers concerning our journey, and there were several which required answers before we left.

I had finished very little when Sanderson came downstairs with Richard’s things.

My cousin took leave of everybody very affectionately. He wished Mary every happiness, and said that Christopher was a fortunate man, which made her blush.

When he came to me, I was able to smile and wish him a comfortable journey.

“I shall look forward to seeing you in London, Annie,” he said.

“So shall I.”

He pressed my hand, and I did not hold his longer than I ought.

I am rather proud of that, although it seems a very small accomplishment when written down.

After the carriage had gone, I returned to Elizabeth and the papers. She looked at me closely and then asked whether I had found the letter she wanted, and I was grateful to be able to answer an ordinary question about something which had nothing to do with Richard.

We worked together for most of the morning.

I have missed him at several moments since, particularly when I went into the library and found the chair he usually chooses empty. But I did not remain there looking at it. I fetched my book and came away.

I do not believe anybody has been obliged to feel sorry for me today.

24 September

Packing has begun, and already the house looks less like itself.

There are boxes in places where one does not expect boxes, and whenever I wish to find something, I discover that somebody has put it away because it will be wanted in London. I cannot understand why being wanted there should prevent it being useful here in the meanwhile.

Kitty has spent a considerable time deciding how best to protect her drawings. Georgiana has more music than she can possibly require, though she assures me that she may wish to play every piece of it.

Mrs Annesley will not travel with us. She went to see her sister in Richmond earlier this month and has written to say she wishes to stay. Darcy has thanked her for all her years with Georgiana. Georgiana misses her, but Elizabeth has promised to accompany her on their London calls.

Mary is making separate arrangements for the things she needs before her wedding and those which are to go to her own home afterwards. She has written several lists, and I believe she is the only one of us who knows precisely where everything will be found.

The kittens are to come with us.