Page 98 of The Way the Heart Breaks: Jade’s Story

Before I can answer, he reaches in the car, and I see Lucas on the other side doing the same; both chuckle as they pull out their Blue Valley hoodies.

Tommy scrunches his up and puts it over my head. I swear my knees go weak and even weaker when he asks, “Pizza and a movie after the game?”

“I, uh, I can ask Dad if⁠—”

“Of course.” He smiles as he steps back and looks me over, wearing his massive hoodie that hangs to my knees. “Damn, pretty girl, just… damn.”

21

I REMEMBER

Jade

The clock on my nightstand changes to 12:00, and I stare at it unmoving.

A week ago, was the anniversary, and I was the one who had made everyone promise we wouldn’t do the normal celebration or remembrance, or whatever it was we did every year. I didn’t want it to darken anyone’s door. I knew Jasper and Jason would want Alex and Ryan to focus on the field, not the pain of missing them. But that pain is less dull tonight, sharper because I wish I could share this with them, so I will.

I sit back and listen to the house. Nothing. Dads asleep. I reach for the sweatshirt hanging over the back of my chair. Tommy's sweatshirt.

I pull it on over my pajamas, grab my flashlight from the nightstand, and slip quietly out of my room. The hallway is dark, and I move carefully down the stairs, avoiding the one step that always creaks, then ease the back door open and step outside.

The cold hits me immediately, and I pull Tommy’s hoodie up, then click on the flashlight. The beam cuts through the darkness as I start down toward the stump.

I've made this walk so many times I don't really need the light. I know where the roots stick up. I know where the ground gets soft. I even know which branches used to reach out and smack me in the face if I was not paying attention. They’re gone now, of course; the new Janet Ross made sure of that, but still, I remember. She didn’t take it all, though, on her mission to remove every trace of our happy childhood.

“But we still have you,” I say as I sit down next to the old stump, with the hole I used to hide mixed tapes, hoping it was Ryan who took them, surrounded by the flowers that I used to spend hours- freaking hours picking petals, hoping that last one would be, he loves me.

“Well, you were right all along,” I sigh as I lean back against the stump and pluck a flower. “I mean, obviously not you two really, but me talking to you guys and answering how I think you would.” I sigh as I pull off a petal. He loves me. “T. Lane. You’d have hated to have to share the field with him, until you got to know him. Tessa says I have googly eyes for him; you’d have hated that more. But I know without question, you’d fall for him too. I mean, not in the same way, obviously, but you would in the bromance way. Then you’d see how he treats me, you’d see the way he looks at me, and the way he looks for me. The way he talks to me, and the way he wants to know me, like me, the real me. The me I am without all the past hurts and loss, and the missing you two, and yes, the real Janet Ross. The me that doesn’t look at our father and want desperately for him to feel this way again, because our dad, he deserves all that. Tommy looks at me like Dad used to look at her. Not the dance party in the kitchen way, those redneck dates, or whatever. The times that we saw them across the room from each other. Her looking for him, and him watching her do it. How his eyes softened in that way that was just for her. You could almost feel it, the love between them.”

I pluck another petal; he loves me not.

“This also sucks.” I force a laugh. “I mean, look at Dad and her. Look at Aunt Maggie and Uncle John. Why even put yourself through it?”

I pull another petal, he loves me.

“I know it’s selfish to say, because you two don’t get to have that now.” I sigh again. “So yes, I’m going to embrace whatever this is, for me, and for you two, but mostly for me.” I close my eyes. “I really had every intention of telling you all good things. Go through all the plays I heard them talking about after they bonded over throwing hay at the pond, and yes, totally butchering them, but you’d give me an E for effort. Well, maybe not you, Jason, but Jasper, you would. I was going to tell you about Tommy Lane, and Lucas Links. About how Alex and Ry haven’t played since that day, but are better than any of their old teammates, and would have been just as good as the white hat boys. I—” I stop when I hear a twig snap, and my spine straightens. “Oh great, now I’m gonna have to kick a bear’s ass or maybe a skunk or,” I flash the light in that direction and snarl. “Ryan, what the hell are you doing?”

“If you’d have been in your room, I wouldn’t have scared you.”

“You were in my room?” I snap.

He walks out from the woods, and into the moonlight. “No, I was throwing pebbles to get your attention, and then I heard… whatever the hell that all was⁠—”

“My private conversation with.” I stop because yes, I know how freaking crazy it sounds.

He leans against the tree stump and crosses his arms.

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What do you want?”

He takes off his hat and runs a hand through his messy black waves. “I’m pissed that you could ever think I don’t want you to be happy. I hate that you think that of me because.” He does me a solid by not finishing his sentence and embarrassing me. He simply lifts a shoulder.

We sit there in silence for a few moments, and I pluck another petal and toss it aside. He loves me not.

“Well, you could have told me that tomorrow like a normal human being instead of walking through the woods at midnight and scaring the hell out of me.” I point the flower at him accusingly.

“Couldn’t sleep.” He slides to the ground, snatching the flower from my hand, pulling out a petal, and tossing it. He loves me. “Decided to walk, ended up getting more annoyed, and kept walking.”

“You ever hear the saying about not losing sleep over someone who isn't losing sleep over you? I mean, the situation, not you per se.”