Page 33 of The Way the Heart Breaks: Jade’s Story

Jade

’90

We broke the mold last night. We are no longer sitting around the farmhouse and waiting for the ball to drop; our New Year’s Eve started on snowmobiles. Ryan has his own, so I don’t have to ride ‘bitch’. I now drive the old Janet Ross’s. Dad and Uncle John rode up to The Spot with us; Aunt Maggie drove with Kendall and Jake, and they picked up Becca.

Song: From a Distance

February 1990

Dad was sitting in your room tonight. He was surrounded by empty boxes. They’re still empty. We both decided it wasn’t time yet.

Song: Release Me- Wilson Phillips

March 1990

Dad and I went to Ithaca today to pick up wood for Danny Brooks. They’re building a new house, or maybe an addition? I don’t know, but it’s keeping Ryan busy.

Anyway, I swear I saw her outside of a bar called Murphy’s Tavern.

She looked thinner. Older. Like life had sanded her down into somebody else completely.

She looked at me, then looked away.

If you two can do anything from up there to make her realize she’s alive, please, please, please do.

Song: They’re still empty. We both decided it wasn’t time yet.

Song: Must Have Been Love- Roxette

April 1990

Happy Birthday! I am making it happy, even though you’re not here, and I miss you so much. So, freaking much.

While the world expected everybody to keep taking tests and turning in homework. Tessa and I sat in the truck in the parking lot after school, trying to decide what flavor cupcakes dead boys would want for their birthday.

Cupcakes, not cake. Cakes belong at parties, and pies belong after funerals in church basements, right next to the bad coffee and casseroles nobody eats. But cupcakes? Cupcakes are forever a birthday thing. More specifically, a twin birthday thing.

Jason, you’d have wanted chocolate with too much frosting. Jasper, you’d pretended vanilla was “less messy” before stealing everybody else’s and making a mess anyway.

So, I made both. Dad came home early, and when I told him what I was doing, a little worried he’d be upset, but he helped me frost them. He even picked the colors.

Tessa, Alex, Becca, and Ryan came over that night. Tessa and Alex brought Dr. Pepper, your favorite. Ryan and Becca brought Doritos even though they’re messy and make Ry’s fingers orange.

Dad lit candles, and for a few moments, we looked around as if to ask who would blow them out. Ryan and Alex did.

It was a good night, until everyone left and that hole that is supposed to heal felt twice as big.

Song: How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

May 1990

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you both, and yes, the real Janet Ross too. Then I remember the fire. The screaming. The way she left when we were still here. And the ache turns into anger so fast it scares me.

Song: How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

June 1990

It’s my last day as a middle schooler. Alex laughed today at lunch. The whole cafeteria went silent as if they’d just seen a ghost. It was no ghost. That laughter was brought to us by two angels.