Page 113 of The Way the Heart Breaks: Jade’s Story

Maybe that's what music really is. A place to keep the things we can't bear to lose.

So many verses describe angels singing, harps playing, voices praising God. Psalms alone are basically proof of this. David uses songs to hold fear, grief, love, anger, hope, and remembrance. Psalm 98:1 says: “Sing unto the Lord a new song.” Psalm 40:3: “And he hath put a new song in my mouth.”

Maybe that's why I've always believed music carries something for me that words could never. Maybe it isn't just sound or the words, but it sure feels like it’s more.

Dad walks through with his coffee and pauses when he sees me standing there with my index card. “You clean too much.”

I laugh, “You want me to stop?”

“Just want you to know, it’s okay to skip sometimes.”

“Habit.” I shrug before I turn back to the coffee table.

“We skipping church tomorrow?” I ask.

“Hell no,” he states.

I turn around and look at him and see he realizes what he just said. “Obviously we shouldn’t. Clearly you need it more than I do.”

“Smart ass.” He smirks. “Aren’t you singing solo Sunday?”

“Shi…poop. How did I forget that?” I gasp.

He points to me, “Pot,” then points to himself. “Meet kettle.” Then he nods to the radio. “Maybe skip that today and practice your song.”

I head down the hall, and for a second I just stand there in the doorway of their room. It's been a long time since I've gotten ready for a football game. Not watched one. Not heard Dad talking about one. Not sat through Alex and Ryan muddy and exhausted and arguing over some play I didn't understand after practice, but actually gone to one.

I walk to the closet, find a box I packed of theirs, grab the blue football T-shirt, pull it over my head, and smooth it down. It's one of theirs. I don't even have to remember which one. I know the feel of it. I know the faded Blue Valley lettering across the front, the way the fabric has softened from years of washing.

I place my hand over my wrist and rub the leather bracelet next, Jason's, and then touch the little cross hanging at my throat, Jasper's.

Those two things have become so much a part of me that sometimes I forget I'm wearing them. Today I don't. Today, I feel every bit of them.

I look at myself in the mirror and swallow hard.

For a second, I don't see me getting ready for a football game. I see the girl I was before everything changed. The one who would've been excited about today. The one who would've been yelling at Alex from the stands and making fun of Ryan and probably getting yelled at by Dad for standing on the bleachers instead of sitting in them. I miss her.

Maybe that's what scares me most. Not the game. Not even seeing Alex and Ryan out there again. It's knowing that some part of me wants to be that girl again.

Before I can talk myself out of staying home or chasing Dad down and asking if I can go with him to get supplies for Monday's job. I leave their room.

I think I’m a little mad at him. Not because I need him to go to the game. I don't. But because Alex and Ryan should have that. He was their coach for years.

They deserve to look into the stands and see him. I’d like to believe that maybe he’ll still show up, but it took years for him to go back to church and now he’s the one telling me I can’t skip a Sunday, remembering my solo when I didn’t.

I head back in my room and grab Tommy’s hoodie. I promised him I’d wear it, and I will, just not until I let this tee breathe again.

I head downstairs just in time to hear a car horn sounds outside, and I look through the window to see Becca's car pulling up, Phoebe in the passenger seat.

My stomach twists as I take one more look around the kitchen, then touch the cross at my neck. I'm nervous, afraid I will maybe freeze up again. I haven't done that in a while, so I’m sure I’ll be okay. Because even though right now it has me anxious, I know I can love this part of my life again.

Maybe that's what today is really about. Just learning that loving something again doesn't mean I loved them any less. I’ve been telling Alex and Ryan the total opposite for over two years now.

And besides, I promised Tommy I’d be there.

I think about the way he looks at me, about the thought of loving something new, betraying everything we lost. Again, me not practicing what I preach. I want the boys to love football again, because it is okay to, and almost just as much, I want Tommy Lane to see me out there cheering him on, because he may not know what he has given me, but I do. And I know I want to give him that same feeling too.

I feel good about the song when Becca parks and we all pile out. “You have a beautiful voice,” Phoebe says.