Page 74 of Nyx

"His drinking was never your fault," Traci adds. "As hard as it may be to accept, I think it was his excuse to continue the abuse."

"Maybe," Dana says.

"Probably," Caroline interjects. "Not maybe. You said the abuse started before you got married, and that you married right out of high school. Were there times he drank and didn't hit you in the beginning?"

"Of course," Dana answers.

"So he could drink and not hurt you?" Caroline says. "Think about it."

Another wave of silence fills the air.

"I don't want you to feel attacked, Dana," Juliet says in a soft tone. "But part of recovery is facing all the facts, not just the ones we want to pick and pull from a situation in order for us to get the outcome we're hoping for."

"I know," Dana says weakly.

"And you have your kids to consider too," Traci, the pregnant resident, says.

"I know," Dana repeats.

"My daughter," Kayla adds. "She's my only reason for living. I have to be the one to stand up for her. I have to end this cycle now. I would never want her to go through what I've been through. The statistics for our children are terrifying."

"What are the statistics?" Traci asks. "Juliet, do you know?"

"I don't know exact numbers, and I can't quote a source, but girls who witness domestic abuse are increasingly more likely to end up in abusive relationships than girls who haven't witnessed abuse. Exposure to domestic violence in kids is a contributing factor to later victimization in life."

"And the boys?" Caroline asks.

"Boys are the same, either ending up in abusive relationships or becoming a perpetrator themselves," Juliet says.

"I wonder why that is?" Melissa asks.

"Many factors," Juliet begins. "Violence is normalized. Love can be confused with control. Their self-worth is distorted. Some children grow up and develop a rescuer mindset, thinking they can change an abuser by doing things differently than what they witnessed."

"So I've ruined my kids?" Dana asks on a sob.

"You're doing what you can now to make changes," Juliet says, her tone soft but not filled with promise. "I will not tell you that there's no chance for future issues with Dean and Daisy. Therapy, and making sure they understand that what they saw wasn't okay, and that what you went through was not okay, will go a long way in helping to mitigate those chances."

"It also means accountability for your own actions," Melissa adds. "You have to be able to admit your own mistakes, no matter why you stayed. We all know it's wrong to stay, but we still do it."

"That's a big thing," Juliet says. "We should all have access to loving relationships free of abuse, but two things can be true at the same time. One, the abused is never the cause of the abuse. That rests solely on the shoulders of your abuser. The second truth is that as a person responsible for the safety of our children, we're contributors in a way by not leaving."

"How do I ever get them to forgive me?" Dana asks, breaking my heart.

She has done something my mother never did. She left. She's taking the right steps, and although it's always best to have done it sooner, it's good that she has finally opened her eyes and can see what she's been a part of this whole time.

I don't know that my mother ever accepted the fact that her staying had the potential to ruin my life. She never forgave me for killing him, no matter how much pain it saved her.

"It's not necessarily about forgiveness," Juliet clarifies. "Sometimes just acknowledging what they went through and accepting your accountability in the situation by not getting out sooner can go very far in healing children, even those who don't open their eyes to a lot of it until they're adults."

"How do I make them understand my reason for it taking so long?" Dana asks.

"You don't. Just like the accountability your abusive partner has to take in order to change, you don't mention the power, control, and threats. You don't make excuses, at least not in the beginning. Trying to get them to understand your position in the situation with Travis is not your job. Your job is to help them heal from what they witnessed and endured. Maybe when they're older, they can reason a little better, but right now, trying to get them to understand why you stayed is going to look a lot like the reasoning Travis might've given for the abuse."

"That's a hard pill to swallow," Kayla mutters.

"One of the hardest," Juliet agrees. "But an essential step in helping them heal, and in healing ourselves. Staying happens. A lot of women don't leave the first time, and by the time they can step back and evaluate what's happening to them, they're so deep in it that it seems impossible to leave. We've believed their lies and let them alienate us from loved ones. We've become completely dependent on them, and that's by design. That conditioning doesn't make us any less accountable for staying. It's a mitigating circumstance, of course."

"It's so easy to judge others," Dana says, and her tone makes me wonder if she's glaring at one of the other women.