Page 10 of Rivals and Liars

"That's not true," her friend cut in, giving her a shove. "That's not it and you know it. At least, not only that. You're scared, and I get it, but—"

Now Leire was the one who cut her off.

"I just don't understand why I have to explain my private life to anyone," she burst out. "A straight woman can do whatever she wants, date whoever she wants, and she doesn't owe anyone an explanation. But we have to announce to the whole world that we like women if we want to be happy. That's not fair, Marta."

Leire finished the sentence with her jaw tight, lips pressed together.

"I never said it was fair. But it's what we've been handed. First comes the confusion, because we don't understand what's happening to us — society's built on its heteronormative rules, and we have to figure out for ourselves that we don't fit the mold. Then we have to accept ourselves, some of us more easily than others. And then we have to explain to every single person on the planet that we don't want dick."

Leire gave a sad smile.

"But that's the reality, Leire. Better to face the world than let it make you miserable."

"I know," Leire said, looking toward the pool.

"But?"

She shrugged. Her eyes had filled, and her chin was trembling. She thought about Kate, and the patience she'd always shown her — the redhead with that nose full of freckles that Leire adored, who had never once asked for anything or demanded anything from her. Even though she knew full well that Kate's patience had a limit, and that limit was starting to run out.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can."

"Do you love Kate?"

Leire frowned and smoothed her training shirt as if it had wrinkles.

"Yes. Of course I love her."

"How much, Leire? Because maybe you don't love her enough — and that's why you can't bring yourself to take the step, not even to hold on to what you have with her."

Leire couldn't answer. It felt impossible to measure how much you could love someone, and then the doubts started creeping in: what if it was true? What if it wasn't enough? But she struggled to believe that, because she'd do anything for her — or at least she liked to think so, because clearly the one thing that mattered most was the one thing she couldn't manage.

"I have to sign the renewal with Costel. Five more years, and then it's done," she tried to convince herself. Marta made a sound that was half scoff, half raspberry.

"You think Kate Brogan is going to wait five more years for you, Leire? Seriously?"

"If she loves me, she will."

"I loved Laura a lot. But I promise you, there's no way I would've stayed under those conditions. Think hard about what you want, about what your priorities are. You've got tennis now, but in five or six years you'll be retired — and if you keep going like this, you'll end up without tennis and without Kate."

"You think I don't know that?"

Leire's eyes flooded over, and Marta raised both hands in a peace offering, stepped closer, and pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry. I know I push too hard, but you're my friend — my favorite person — and it kills me that you're always sad. You deserve to be happy, Leire. With Kate or with whoever, but you'll only get there when you're free."

"I know. But I can't yet."

"Okay, sweetheart. That's okay." Marta rubbed her back. "You'll do it when you're ready," she murmured, and a long sigh of resignation slipped out as she held her tighter.

Chapter 6

"I hate how fast time goes," Diane says, settling in next to Kate, who turns to look at her and smiles, shrugging.

They're on the plane to London, a long trip with a layover in Doha. Kate is relaxed, eager to land and start training and see Leire, who arrived last night at the hotel where they'll both be staying.

Her back doesn't hurt at all. When they went to see Dr. Faruk, he put her at ease after pressing around her lower back, telling her it looked like inflammation, but that he needed to run more tests to make sure there was nothing else going on.

"I already had an MRI a few months ago," Kate told him, confused, "and nothing concerning came up."