Page 175 of The Love Operation

His smile is all pleasure now. “Well, let me help you out, Spinal Cord.”

He disappears, and when he returns, shirted and smug, I realize I forgot to bring a blanket.

“It’s okay,” he says. “Grass or concrete?” There’s patio furniture nearby, but that’s not what he’s offering.

“Grass,” I say. It’s so green. “It’s magnificent back here,” I add. Now that he’s fully clothed, I can look elsewhere.

“I told you,” he says. “It’s why I bought the place. This garden tells a story. Whoever lived here before clearly loved the outdoors. They kept it immaculate, even while the inside fell apart.”

“What’s that?” I ask, pointing to a stone bench surrounded by square pavers, grass sprouting between them like nature’s checkerboard.

“It’s a prayer garden,” he says. “Or I think it is. There are a few rocks with scripture carved into them.”

“Can we sit there?”

He nods, and I kneel to open the cooler and pull out the goods.

“Did you make these?”

“I did. Though now that I think of it, I wish I’d crumbled a Snickers bar on top.”

His brows shoot up. “Hang on.”

He jogs inside and returns seconds later with a . . . Snickers.

“You just had that lying around?”

“For you,” he says with a shrug. “Ever since that night you were starving after surgery, I’ve kept a stash. Just in case.”

My internal organs melt. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Tell me what it’s like to be chief.”

I let my shoulders relax. “Actually . . . I didn’t get it.”

“What? Why?”

His reaction is instant. It makes me smile—how upset he is on my behalf.

“One too many complications, I think. In the end, they decided to go with Cho. He was the safer choice. He’ll do a good job.”

He exhales hard. “I’m really sorry. I know how much you wanted it.” Then he lifts the cooler lid. “So . . . emotional-support banana splits?”

“Actually . . . I’m okay.” I mean it. I feel it. “I did want the job, but . . . I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately.” I pause. “I’ve spent so long chasing wins just to prove I could and for validation. But I couldn’t seem to let go of chief, even when I wasn’t sure I still wanted it.”

He studies me. “Then maybe it worked out exactly like it should’ve. You didn’t have to walk away. The choice was made for you.”

I nod. “It makes me feel a little pathetic. That I couldn’t let it go on my own. That I didn’t know what was right until someone else decided for me.”

“That doesn’t make you pathetic, it makes you human. You’re not perfect. Welcome to the club with the rest of us.”

I take a breath. “I’ve got a lot of flaws, Benedict, and I’m scared you’re going to decide I’m too much again.”

His expression shifts, as if there’s a lot he wants to say, but he’s letting me finish.

“I told myself our breakup didn’t affect me as deeply as it did. That’s why I’ve taken this much time. It’s probably not even enough because I’m not fixed.”

He moves up onto his knees and inches closer. “You realize you never will be, right? It’s not about being fixed. It’s about being honest.” He takes both my hands in his. “I wasn’t there for you before because I didn’t know how to be in any relationship. But this time, neither of us is hiding. Neither of us is pretending to be perfect. There will be problems. But this time, we work through them. Together.”