Page 5 of Nothing to Lose

I smile brightly, loving that he’s enjoying himself. I take the opportunity to grab two pillows from my bed, lifting his right leg up and setting it on them. He winces slightly but doesn’t protest.

“Why are you being so nice to me? Can’t believe you brought me dinner. You know this is my favorite?” he asks after swallowing some food.

“I’m always nice to you, you just refuse to see it.” When I go to pull up his pant leg to get to his knee, I see that it’s elastic and won’t budge past his calf. Well, the only thing to do is take them off. I lean over him, putting my hands on the waist of his sweats.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he snaps in shock as he bats my hand away.

“Wrapping your knee. But if you want me to do more, all you have to do is ask. Now lift up your ass and stop being difficult.”

With a grumble, Eli lifts up, allowing me to drag his sweats down. My fingers trail along the wiry hair of his thighs, the skin warm, electricity sparking from the touch. My blood is vibrating with need, but I keep my composure, focusing on helping him feel better.

After I get his pants off, I grab the ACE bandage and begin working it around his knee. It’s slightly swollen, just as I knew it would be, and I shoot him a look of irritation. After I set him up with some ice, my stomach growls loud enough for both of us to hear. Reluctantly, and starving, I grab my container of slop and take a seat on Eli’s bed at his feet.

“This is really good, thanks for the clam chowder,” he says after a few silent moments. “For all this.” He whispers the last part, like being vulnerable is difficult for him. Like I didn’t already know.

“Good and clam chowder don’t belong in the same sentence, but whatever you say.”

“You really don’t like it?”

“I really don’t like it. In fact, dislike would be the understatement of a century. Just look at it.” I lift my spoon and let the vile texture slowly dribble off in plops back into the container. “It looks like creamy swamp water, first of all, and it tastes like someone scraped up the bottom of the ocean and said, ‘let’s add soggy potatoes!’ Second, the clams taste like erasers. Plus, is it a liquid? A solid? No one knows. I’d bet you ten dollars I could drop a penny on top, and it would stay there until spring.”

Eli belts out a laugh that is so beautiful it momentarily stuns me. His head is thrown back against his pillows, his entire body vibrating from the force. “Damn, man, you really hate it,” he wheezes.

“I do,” I reply as I practically gag around another mouthful.

“Here,” he says as he reaches into his nightstand and pulls out a bag of beef jerky and throws it at my chest. “Eat this. I’ll finish your sea pudding.”

“From the dildo drawer?” I tease, giving him a wink that makes his face flame that pretty red I love so much. He takes the plastic container from me and polishes off both while I devour nearly the entire bag of jerky. There’s something I want to ask him, but I don’t want to push too hard, especially since we seem to have broken down the walls he’s put between us, at least for this moment. But I just need to know.

“Soooo. I couldn’t help but notice you were watching gay porn. That plus the dildo have kinda got me wondering . . .” I let the question linger, hoping he’ll take the bait and open up to me. I’ve been crushing on him for over two years, and I’ve never seen him with anyone, so I’m not really sure where he stands. I’ve been going off pure vibes lately.

“Yeah? What about it?” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. Which, it isn’t, except my heart that’s currently banging against my ribcage like a desperate, relentless fucker, really wants a definitive.

“You gonna make me come right out and ask?”

Eli’s eyes meet mine and narrow in a challenge. Oh, little brother wants to play, huh? I run the back of my knuckles lightly up the arch of his foot, and I don’t miss the way he shivers from the contact. So, I do it again, a little firmer this time. His eyes flutter closed when I wrap my hands around one foot, digging my thumbs into the sole and squeezing.

Despite being an athlete who is on his feet constantly, it’s the softest skin I’ve ever felt in my life. I shift slightly to give myself a better angle, riding the high of being able to touch him like this. I’ve been dreaming about having my hands on him for so long, I’m barely keeping my shit together right now.

“I’m gay,” Eli blurts, his eyes still closed. “Haven’t said those two words out loud before, actually. You’d think at twenty-one I’d be more comfortable with it, but the stigma that comes with being an athlete at this level has this invisible, unspoken pressure to be who everyone else has already decided you are. When you’re chasing the dream you want so fucking badly, you suppress the parts of you that aren’t fitting that mold.”

Well, he hit that nail right on the head. As far as I’m aware, there aren’t any openly gay athletes at Corvus, even if the queer community is welcomed and accepted here. Being one of the star rugby players for one of the best collegiate teams in New England comes with a different type of pressure.

“I get that, obviously. I’m not open about it, but I’m not announcing it either. If someone finds out, it isn’t the end of the world for me, but I can relate to the forced stereotypes bullshit.”

“I’ve just got a lot to lose, and I don’t need to be judged for who I love or fuck.”

Well, that hits home.

“Have you ever been in a relationship or had sexual experiences?”

“No relationship, haven’t had time, and honestly, it scared the living shit out of me. It’s one thing to hide who I am, it’s a complete other to ask my boyfriend to do the same. Nah, I couldn’t do that to someone. As for sex, yeah, I’ve had discreet hookups. Even tried a girl once freshman year of high school. Eva Winters. Tried to give me a hand job and it was all wrong. Couldn’t get hard.”

My heart sinks for him. “Fuck, Eli. Did she tell everyone? Girls that age can be brutal.”

“No, actually, ended up becoming my best friend. We’re still close. I think she knew back then. At least subconsciously.”

My phone buzzes in my pocket just as I open my mouth to speak, Eli’s going off a split second later, vibrating next to him on his end table. We exchange a look for a moment, a shared confusion, then we’re both picking up our phones and opening the messages.