Page 27 of Nothing to Lose

“I’ve said things I shouldn’t.”

“Okay?”

“So why do you keep coming back? Why do you want me so bad?” Because I love you, idiot. I’ve always loved you.

“Because I know that’s not all you are. You think I don’t see you’re trying to push me away? When all you actually need is someone to stay.”

“Hunter . . .” he pleads, and I don’t know whether it’s for me to not give up or to walk away because there’s no chance. But I’m too invested in him, in us. I couldn’t walk away if I tried.

“I’m not going anywhere, Eli.”

He studies me for a long moment, his eyes darting back and forth between my own. “I don’t know how to do this,” he says, swallowing roughly.

“We’ll figure it out together. I mean it, I’m not going anywhere.” Eli nods, a pitiful, self-deprecating nod that breaks my heart. “C’mon, let’s go home.” Home. I’ve never thought of one of my many dorm rooms as home until I occupied one of them with Eli. But now it feels more like home than the house we lived in together this summer with our parents.

We climb the stone steps of Grimsley, and when we reach the room, he fumbles with his key three times before I gently take it from him.

“You’re never living this down, little brother,” I joke.

“Shut up with the little brother, for fuck’s sake,” he replies as he pushes past me into the room.

“But then how else can I make you blush so prettily?”

Eli turns back to face me, ripping off his hoodie and T-shirt in one smooth motion. My eyes roam over his perfectly sculpted body, enjoying the show.

“I can think of a few ways,” he says with a wink, his voice dripping with arousal. As much as I’d love to fool around right now, he’s not in the right headspace for fucking.

“Trust me, baby boy, once you’re nice and sober, I’ll give you everything you want and more. But right now, we’re going to shower and get into bed.” Eli’s face softens, and I’m starting to realize this tough, strong man that I want so badly really just needs someone to baby the shit out of him once in a while.

While Eli gets undressed, I drift over to the mini fridge and pull out two waters. I find him standing naked in the bathroom, turning the shower on, and I hand him a bottle.

“Drink.”

“Jesus, you’re so bossy.”

“Correct. Now drink.”

Begrudgingly, Eli downs the majority of the bottle of water and steps under the spray of the shower. After ridding myself of my clothes, I join him, stepping in and pulling the curtain closed. He stands under the spray, facing me, with his head thrown back as it beats down on his scalp and shoulders. I try not to focus on the way the water glides over his perfect body, the way his skin glistens and reflects the shitty lights in the bathroom. He’s just too beautiful not to look at and admire.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he quips when he finds me staring.

“Careful, baby boy, I’ve already said that wouldn’t be a hardship.” Eli rolls his eyes, and if he didn’t have any alcohol in his system, I’d fuck that look right off his face until he was screaming out my name for everyone to hear. Instead, I squeeze a few drops of shampoo into my palm, stepping forward to erase the space between us.

“Turn around,” I demand.

“I can do it, Hunter.”

I sigh. Everything is always a fight. “I know you can. It’s not about being capable, baby; it’s about being strong enough to know when it’s okay to let your guard down and give someone else the chance to care for you. I’m here, I’ve got you. All you have to do is relax and let me.”

Instead of protesting, instead of fighting me, Eli relents, turning around and letting the spray hit his chest. Moving forward with a lump in my throat, I comb my fingers through his chestnut-brown hair, massaging his scalp, working the soap in, but really using it as an excuse to take care of him, to show that I can be there for him. There’s nothing weak about leaning on someone and letting them care for you. In fact, that level of vulnerability is strong as fuck . . . not to mention sexy as hell.

I don’t blame Eli for how he’s been living or how he pushes me away. I get it and can relate to it. We’ve all got to live our own journey, and it’s not a cookie-cutter path for all of us. But I hate what it’s doing to him. You don’t realize how much pretending costs you until you’re exhausted by it. I’ve been there, and it stunted everything: my confidence, my friendships, every chance I ever had at falling in love. I wasn’t ready to let someone know me when I refused to let anyone actually see me. It’s impossible to build something real on top of a foundation made of omissions. So, I stayed alone, because it was safer than the alternative. Then Eli happened my freshman year at Corvus, and suddenly, living the life everyone else had curated for me just didn’t seem to be worth it anymore.

I take my time with him, washing and rinsing his hair, then I turn him, our eyes meeting as I soap up my hands and work them over every single inch of his body. It’s intimate and sensual, and I can’t get enough. Eli sways, his eyes fluttering closed. He’s such an incredibly beautiful man, is kind to everyone he meets, and cares so fucking much about everything. He’s grumpy as fuck and needs to learn how to let go and have fun, but I’d give up everything to call him mine.

Squatting, I slowly rub each of his legs, smoothing his hair flat, digging my fingertips into the muscles of his calves, his meaty thighs, and back down again. His dick rests heavy between his legs, but I ignore it, my hands gliding up over his hips instead, digging into the flesh of his muscular, perky ass.

“How are you feeling, baby boy?” I ask as I stand, dropping a chaste kiss to the tip of his nose. Eli opens his eyes and looks up at me with heavy eyelashes, water beading at the ends.