Page 44 of Dark Notes, Volume Two

I watch the chipmunk racing around the tree as I answer.

“No. I have known people that have gotten on it and have never been able to get off. They say the addiction is worse than heroin.”

He nods as he glances down at the folder in his hands.

“Yes, the majority of patients on methadone don’t come off it. How are you feeling?”

In the past I would’ve told him whatever he wanted to hear or what I thought he wanted to hear but I don’t do that this time. I really want to do this, even though it feels impossible at the moment.

I tap my foot on the ground, rubbing at my favorite spot to shoot up on my arm.

“Physically, I feel so much better. The pain is mostly gone. Mentally though, fuck, this is tough. I want to tell you I’m leaving so I can use. It’s hard to think about anything else. Is it always going to be like this?”

Geoff flashes me a frown before he speaks.

“I’d like to tell you the craving will disappear, but it probably won’t. I’m an addict, our entire staff of counselors are recovering addicts.” He stares at me, and for a moment it feels like he actually gives a shit. I try to listen as he continues.

“We’ve been there, and we all agree. The urge never fully disappears. It does get easier to control, but it will probably always be there to some degree. I have homework for you that I think will help.”

“And so it begins,” I mutter under my breath, and he chuckles softly.

“I want you to make a list of all the reasons you want to stay clean. Also, I want you to stop saying you want to ‘get clean.’ You are clean, you just need to work on staying that way. We don’t worry about next year here, or even next week. One day at a time.”

I take a deep breath.

“Okay.”

“There’s a journal on your desk in your room, use it. Bring it to our sessions and we can talk about the things you write.”

I chuckle, “Most of my writing comes out like angry poetry.”

“That’s okay,” he says, “It tends to happen with songwriters. Speaking of, not today, but soon you’ll need to put a plan in place for avoiding drugs on the road. It’ll be easier when you’re home and can control things but out there, it’ll be riskier. The goal is to plan for it so you know how to handle things. Don’t wait for surprises. Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.”

“When can I make phone calls?” I ask as we both rise from the bench.

“Not for at least a week. You’ll gain phone privileges if you're doing what you need to do. There’s not a hard rule, it’s dependent on your recovery. It’s not a punishment, we just want to make sure you’re ready. The same goes for visitation. Who are you itching to call?”

I stuff my hands into my pockets uncomfortably because I already know what he’s going to say.

“My best friend and my girlfriend. Well, she was my girlfriend, but I fucked that up. I’m hoping when I get out she’ll give me another chance.”

He nods as if he already knew about Mia and maybe he did.

“We advise waiting a year before getting into romantic relationships. That being said, we know people don’t always heed that warning. You will be able to call whoever you want when you have phone privileges. However, calls are monitored to be sure no one is planning to bring drugs on the property.”

I guess our time is up when he starts walking back toward the building. It's really peaceful out here and I already know I’ll be spending a lot of time outside. The green grass, lavender flowers, trees, and the quiet are all a welcome change for me. The drug noise inside my mind is a little less controlling as the warm breeze blows through my hair. I still don’t know if I can really do this but I want to try.

“Group is in an hour. We will have our first session tomorrow morning. You’re here for thirty days right now, but that could change based on your needs.” He says as he opens the door and I follow behind him.

17

Chapter Twenty-Six

MIA

I tap my fingers on the table as my best friend stares over at me with annoyance. Her brows furrowed in so tightly she may have a permanent wrinkle. She took me to my favorite restaurant to get my mind off Jett but that hasn’t worked.

“Mia, stop. No news is good news.” Kins says for probably the thousandth time today.