Page 84 of Bonds of Shame, Bonds of Lust

Shit. I found the room number for my first resident and got there just in time.

"Dr. Bonds, I'm ready to review."

Michelle. Third year, and still holding her tablet against her chest like a schoolbook.

Two parents doing the anxious-parent thing, leaning forward. Between them, a toddler, entirely uninterested in any of us.

"This is Bella," Michelle said. "Term eighteen-month-old with a small VSD. No cardiac symptoms, following her growth curves nicely, thriving with her milestones."

Bella looked up at me and smiled.

"Good morning, Bella. Aren't you adorable." I straightened. "What did you hear on exam?"

"A rather loud, high-pitched systolic murmur at the left lower sternal border." Careful. Michelle is always careful. She hedges everything she's right about and nothing she's not sure about. Good quality.

"Excellent. And why do you think it was loud?"

"Um." A beat. "I'm not sure. Since it's so tiny."

I turned to the parents. "Small holes in the heart often sound louder than large ones, because you get a high-speed jet." I made a circle with my thumb and finger and blew through it. "That's what you're hearing. And it's good news. It's the sound of a hole closing on its own. We'll see you back in a year."

The mother's shoulders came down about an inch. The father said thank you twice.

I said my goodbyes and left Michelle to finish up with the activity instructions, and I was four steps into the corridor before the obsession came back.

It was Janice. That was all it was. Twelve years of some hidden desire for her, maybe, finally fulfilled?

Except it hadn't been Janice. Janice's hand had been in my hair.

I had to know. Janice knew. I could ask her.

No.

I wasn't ready to talk to Janice. She'd already texted at ten past six.

We should talk.

I'd have to answer eventually.

Manuel was next, waiting outside room three with the ease of a man three months from finishing.

"This is Rosie, twelve years old, bicuspid aortic valve, here for her annual surveillance. Trivial regurg. BP at target, repeat echo stable. She's an avid hockey player, so the parents asked if she could keep going. I've reassured them she's good to skate circles around the other players."

"And what did you use to get there? The valve or the aorta measurement?"

"Both." A small smile. He knew he had it.

"Perfect. Rosie, we'll see you next year."

Rosie turned to her mother with an expression of enormous vindication. "Told you."

Out in the corridor I checked my watch. Not late. And my mind went straight back to its new chew toy.

I'd felt something like it with Ricardo. Sucking him. Swallowing, cleaning him after. Was that all it was, some oral thing?

No. The hand on my ass. The fingers going into me from behind while my mouth was somewhere else entirely.

What would I have thought, a year ago, watching a woman do that? Slut? A little twinge. But Janice was free, had lots of partners, even told me herself she would go slutting, like it was an activity and might have clubs and competitive leagues.