Page 17 of Mister McStudmuffin

UNKNOWN CALLER: The dog. That is Mike. The one and only Mike.

UNKNOWN CALLER: She lied. For reasons which maybe she’ll explain to you. And she’s tried to come clean to you multiple times over the years, but one thing or another got in the way.

UNKNOWN CALLER: There were the pictures of you and your ex-girlfriend that showed up on social media after the wedding you went to.

Fucking Stacy. As soon as she posted those pictures of us, I’d untagged myself. I wanted nothing to do with her, which she knew full well.

ME: I told Chelsea that picture was staged. My ex cornered me for the photo and at the last minute posed herself like that.

ME: We never got back together.

UNKNOWN CALLER: I’m just saying that over the years, there have been reasons. Moments that she took as a sign that y’all didn’t belong together.

I’m trying to wrap my head around what Charlotte is attempting to explain to me. And I’m struggling. First, my body is buzzing with adrenaline to go and find Chelsea, spank her for lying to me, then kiss the hell out of her because she can finally be mine.

ME: Was there ever a boyfriend?

UNKNOWN CALLER: Like in her life? Yes, she’s had a few.

ME: But not when she first started to work for me?

UNKNOWN CALLER: No. She had heard a story that a woman got fired after sleeping with you.

UNKNOWN CALLER: It freaked her out because she was instantly attracted to you.

UNKNOWN CALLER: Has she told you about Elliot Stabler?

ME: The TV detective. Yeah, I’ve watched a few episodes.

UNKNOWN CALLER: She’s had the hots for him since she hit puberty. You are the epitome of catnip to her.

UNKNOWN CALLER: Man-nip, if you will.

UNKNOWN CALLER: Nope. Max says I cannot use that term. Whatever. You know what I’m saying.

UNKNOWN CALLER: She walks into this new job, sees you, wants you, and then hears that horror story.

ME: She was protecting herself.

UNKNOWN CALLER: Exactly.

ME: But three years.

UNKNOWN CALLER: Yep. She was going to tell you. After that night when she almost kissed you. She planned to tell you that following Monday.

ME: But then I announced I was moving.

UNKNOWN CALLER: Yes, you did. And you didn’t tell her privately. You let her find out with everyone else.

ME: I did that on purpose.

UNKNOWN CALLER: I figured as much.

ME: She’s coming to my house now? Why?

UNKNOWN CALLER: Because you’ve been ignoring her attempts at resignation.

UNKNOWN CALLER: She’s trying to make a clean cut.