Page 101 of Viking in Love

And kissed her, openmouthed, with teeth, and tongue, and hard-pressed lips, until both of them stood on wobbly legs staring at each other, dazed. Only then did they realize that they had an audience, with one important member.

Archbishop Dunstan had come back outside.

He was not pleased.

Warts and hunchbacks and big butts, oh, my!…

Several hours later, Caedmon was entering the Heatherby great hall with Geoff at his side. What they saw nigh caused them both to fall over with shock.

“Oh, good Lord!” they said as one.

Other than Breanne, Archbishop Dunstan had not yet met any of the women, including Lady Moreton. All of them were evading the priest. No surprise there! Everyone within a sulong of Heatherby would like to go into hiding for the next sennight or so, Caedmon included.

Especially in light of what Geoff and Caedmon now beheld.

First there was Breanne, with red spots covering her face and neck and an ugly wart on the tip of her nose that resembled green snot. How can she be beautiful to me, even with a wart? My brain must be melting. Ingrith had doubled her weight and now had a back end that rivaled Amicia’s. I wonder if she can get through the scullery door. Drifa had done something to blacken all of her front teeth, and she was cackling. That is all we need…a slant-eyed crone with leaky black teeth. And Sybil had a hunchback. I wonder if she knows her pillow back is slipping?

Rashid, passing by with a stack of firewood in hand, was not surprised. He remarked blithely, “The heart of woman is given to folly.”

He and Geoff stared at the women, slack-jawed, for a long moment before Geoff said, “By thunder, Caedmon, I forgot how much fun it is to be around you.”

“I had naught to do with this.” Turning to the four women, he asked, “What in bloody hell is going on?”

“You told us to beware of King Edgar when he comes,” Breanne defended herself to Caedmon.

Sybil addressed Geoff in her faint lisp, “You said Edgar would tup a goat if it could stand on two legs and have breasts.” On her tongue, breasts sounded like “blests.”

“I am not so sure that a hunchback would deter our king,” Geoff remarked.

“Mayhap I could put some malodorous substance on my gunna,” Sybil offered. “Like manure.”

“That would do it,” Geoff replied.

“Nice freckles!” Caedmon said to Breanne.

“These are not freckles, you lackwit!” she replied indignantly. “They are spots.”

“Oh?”

“Caused by the red pilfin bush I touched when we stopped to water the horses today. Very contagious.”

Caedmon turned to Drifa, the plant expert. “Red pilfin?”

Drifa cackled and winked at him. Not an attractive sight.

“I take it there is no such thing.”

“No matter!” Breanne interjected. “As long as Dunstan and the king believe there is, they will not want to get close enough to check.”

“I will be in the kitchen helping cook with the wedding feast preparations,” Ingrith said. “Methinks lutefisk and a heap of gammelost would be enough to turn the archbishop and the king off my food.” At his frown of puzzlement, she explained, “Gammelost is a cheese so stinksome that legend says some warrior kings fed it to their men afore battle to turn them berserk.”

“That is all we need…a berserk archbishop.”

With a mischievous grin, Ingrith waddled away. They all stared at her huge bottom, transfixed.

“I need to gather flowers for the bridal head wreath.” Drifa made for the outer door.

“Will you help me fix my hump?” Sybil asked Geoff.