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“That may be true, but one of us had to come after you and I couldn’t let it be one of the guys. You’ve been lying to Bear since you started working on my house, haven’t you? Maybe even before that. You’re lucky he let me come here instead.” I only just now realized how angry I was on behalf of Bear and Sy. I’d been so focused on my own rage that I hadn’t stopped to truly think about how all of this was affecting them. “And Silas? You think what you’re doing is fair to him after he constantly fought to give you another chance at doing better?”

“Stay out of this. You have no idea what you’re talking about and you wouldn’t understand anyway.” His voice dropped an octave.

“Then try me,” I challenged. “Because I’m genuinely trying to understand here.”

“No.”

“So this is just what you’re gonna do. Run off and risk your life playing these stupid games and refuse to explain why,” I said, throwing my hands up. “What kind of thinking is that, Dax? You don’t think that’s cruel to the people who care about you?”

He froze, his eyes flickering. “Stop. I’m taking you home and that’s that.”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on!” I yelled.

He stalked past me and started moving towards the Ducati. “Just get on the fucking bike, Lane!”

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why you’re doing this!” I stood my ground and Dax turned around, his whole body tense and his face thunderous. He could get as angry with me as he wanted but he was not going to win a game of stubbornness. Not against me. “You’re many things, Dax. Reckless is one of them but cruel is not. I’m trying to understand why you’re so hellbent on ruining your life. Talk to me.”

My voice, against my will, began to soften.

“I’m doing it for my family!”

The words exploded out of him. His chest heaved, his eyes still hardened but something else was creeping in around the edges. It was the same slow crumble that I’d started to witness back at the ironyard, when he let his guard down for those brief moments. His body sagged under the admission, broad shoulders slumping.

I didn’t respond, waiting for him to continue, hoping he’d keep me in this time instead of kicking me out.

“I tried to clean up my act two years ago. I did. I left the ring and didn't look back but that choice threw my family into a world of trouble. Suddenly there wasn’t any more money coming in to cover my mother’s medical bills, or to repay my brother’s gambling debt.” He dragged a hand through his sweat-soaked hair and tugged in frustration but he didn’t stop. “Know what that fool did? Got into it with loansharks, both his and my own. And when they came knocking on his door, who was blamed for leaving them vulnerable? Me. It was all my fault.”

I imagined the sort of people who ran these sorts of syndicates weren’t too happy about one of their heavy-hitters trying to go straight. And I wouldn’t be surprised, given the corruption across the city’s underbelly, if Dax’s choice hadn’t inadvertently led to the interest rates on his brother’s debt being jacked up.

What I couldn’t imagine was the level of guilt that must’ve been eating him alive since then. It made sense now, if those were the two people I saw him meeting up with. He felt responsible for them.

“I’m trying to do right by them, Lane. Trying to do right by people who have never done right by me, how fucked up is that? Because even before all of this, they never gave a shit about me unless I was clearing a check. And yet I’m going back, breaking my bones just for some semblance of recognition. That’s even more pathetic, isn’t it, how desperate one man can be for approval. For acceptance,” he said.

I recalled him telling me that he knew a thing or two about mothers who didn’t give a shit about you. Each word he said tore out a piece of my heart because this was something I knew about. It was familiar ground, a different shaped bottle of the same poison.

Dax bit his lip, as though trying to stop himself but I also knew that once you started talking about this stuff, it was impossible to stop. At least not until you were spent on the confession.

“I hate that I’m doing this. I don’t want to disappoint Sy or Bear. Or you. I tried, you know, I did. But I can’t turn my back on my family and I hate that. I hate myself!” he yelled.

The silence that followed felt hollow, like something in the atmosphere had been gouged out. I was stunned into silence, my heart dying inside me. I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell him that I knew what he was going through, even if the details were different. Our paths ran parallel. I knew the disgust he felt every time he did something in an attempt to win their approval. I knew how pathetic he felt that he wanted it at all.

But the words wouldn’t come.

Dax shook his head. He got onto his bike, snapped his visor down and revved the engine into a defeating scream before gunning the throttle. The rear tire kicked up a blinding cloud of gray dust that swallowed me as he vanished into the night.

21

Lane

It was late by the time I got back home.

I felt a thousand pounds heavier as I dragged my feet up the walkway, Dax’s words playing on repeat in my head over and over again. I should’ve said something. I should’ve found the guts to open up that part of myself and show him that he wasn’t alone in what he was feeling, but I didn’t.

I felt like I’d just failed all three men. I’d failed myself.

The house was low-lit, the only sounds of activity drifting up from the guest bathroom. I followed it mindlessly, feeling like a zombie. Bear was the only one here, crouching in a corner and leaning back on his heels as he used a cold chisel and rubber mallet to manually chip away at the dried ridges of old mortar.

“Ah, you’re back,” he said, not looking up from his task. “So much for keeping us updated. I was about to call the cops or something.”