Page 37 of For The Love Of A Widow

“Be the woman Gregory fell in love with six years ago. If not today, mayhap tomorrow or the next day.”

The same woman Daniel had fallen in love with in his youth.

A woman who saw the best in others. A crusader for the less fortunate. A lady who did not wrap her entire existence in fine garb and fancy gloves. A nurse on the battlefields. And most importantly, Daniel’s only true friend.

He needed her to be that woman again.

If she were unable to heal, what chance did that leave for Daniel to overcome his own hurt and guilt?

CHAPTER 16

L ettie steeled her nerves, silently begging her body to stop shaking and regain the tight-laced control she’d been known for on the battlefield. She eased her grip on the bench, and feeling flooded back into her fingers, banishing the numbness and returning color to her knuckles. She only wished it were that simple to bring sensation back to the rest of her. Physically letting go was far easier than mentally and emotionally.

It would be far simpler to physically throw herself off a tall cliff than release her emotional hold on everything she’d experienced over the last six years. Then it would not matter the immense baggage she carried. It would be cast to the wind when she hit the earth below. Everything, all her worries, her remorse, her regret, and her loneliness wouldn’t matter, would not hold her down.

Her heart pounded as if attempting to escape the restraints of her chest.

That was the only way Lettie could see becoming the person she once was.

Through her own demise.

Ironic that she’d need to force her hellish burdens on others and cause her own death to free herself.

Maybe letting go was not an all or nothing commitment.

She’d loved Gregory with her entire being, that would never change; however, putting their time together in a box, sealing it, and seeing what else life held for her was no meager task. It would be more difficult than throwing her life away.

But Daniel was willing to help her and be there with her through it all.

As he was doing at this very moment. He remained silent as she processed everything he’d said, but stayed before her in case she needed his support.

Where had this man been when she’d so desperately needed him to understand her in their youth? If he’d given her what she’d longed for, lending even an ear to listen, she would not have been compelled toward Gregory…a man all too willing to take her as his own. Daniel had chosen gambling and drinking over her and their betrothal.

Lettie was hesitant to forget that simple fact.

“Can I tell you a story?” His hand brushed her knee when he moved to stand.

“I find I am not in the mood for happy stories.” She shifted, turning her gaze to the single candle as it neared the end of its wick. The dim room would soon be cast into total darkness. “It is difficult for me to believe that life—or at least the life I’ve experienced—can have any happiness or even serenity.”

“This is not a happy story. There is no fairy tale ending of love, contentment, or fulfillment, though you’ve asked several times why I haven’t wed since you left, and what has occupied me these many years.” He turned away from her and paced toward her unlit hearth before pivoting and retracing his steps. “My life has not been what I wished it to be. There were no pretty moments.”

His steps faltered on his final words, and he stopped, staring directly at her.

Oddly, the more she focused on Daniel, the less she noticed her trembling body. Was focusing the way to repair her mind, to draw the pieces back together and move forward?

She lifted her chin. “I have seen much worse than any story you could possibly share, Daniel.” Her voice didn’t waver, betraying the deep truth of the statement.

“Of that I am certain; however, it may explain how I’ve changed from the man I was when you called off our betrothal to who I am today.” He turned away from her again.

She was unsure if he was giving her privacy while he told the story, or if the separation was for him. It didn’t matter, Lettie wanted to know more no matter if it were happy or not, if only to keep her mind focused on problems that were not her own. The way her mind had easily swirled around ending her own life terrified her. Casting herself from a tall cliff—allowing body and mind to shatter completely when it hit rock bottom.

It was almost easy to feel the wind hit her face as she flung herself over the ledge.

Her heartbeat thrashed in her ears as she took a deep breath, begging her body to calm down and listen to Daniel

His story began, and his voice remained flat, detached and cold. It reminded her of the many years ago when she’d started to notice him pulling away from her and their friendship.

“It was Christmastide last year. I’d been invited to a party at Lord Gable’s townhouse. It was a night of uninhibited debauchery the likes of which even I hadn’t witnessed before. There was no end to the supplies of liquor, willing women, and high-stakes card games.” As the story progressed, his tone turned angry and clipped. He spoke of the extreme amount of illicit activities he’d helped himself to; the way he’d stumbled to the door shortly before the sun crested on the day of celebration. With a new reserved voice, he turned back to her. “When I departed Lord Gable’s home, a street urchin ran past me, one of Gable’s footmen in pursuit. The boy, Charlie, had stolen from the kitchens to feed his family. This wasn’t the first time; however, Gable was determined to make it the boy’s last.”