Page 14 of One Vow

And for what? Because…I was an idiot and went along with Ryder. Because I didn’t stand up for myself. Because I didn’t think he would put it online. But I should’ve known. This was my responsibility. I knew about the cameras. I knew the boat was wired and that those wires live-streamed back to the computer in his room at the frat house. I just didn’t think he would ever…do this. To the pledges maybe. But not to us, to his friends.

I should’ve known, and damn, wouldn’t that have just been a fitting title for my memoir, I should’ve known.

But I couldn’t sit in this room any longer. I didn’t need to see the shelves of books, or the canvas rendering of the Glouster shield with its motto of Loyalty, Honesty and Courage on a banner at the bottom. Or my reflection in the shiny polished table, I had to get out of there.

I walked out. I even thought about just never stopping, most especially when I passed Felicity, and she turned to catch up with me. “Hey, you.”

I couldn’t talk, not without falling apart in front of her, so I nodded, faced the front, and kept walking until she tugged on my sleeve.

“Where’s the fire, Finn? Slow down, my legs are shorter.”

Right now, I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t do more than hold her against me, crushed her was probably more accurate. Not that I wanted to hurt her, but I wanted to savor every touch for as long as I could, and maybe if I held her tight enough, she wouldn’t go away. When she squeezed me and held on, my heart broke more.

“Finn? You’re scaring me.” But she didn’t let go. Even when I couldn’t hold back a sob. “Finn…,” Her phone vibrated in her pocket. Three times quickly. Shit. I had to do this now before someone else got to her. There wasn’t time left to treasure the way she felt in my arms. No time to figure out how to say it. If I didn’t tell her and she found out from someone else, there wouldn’t be any coming back from it.

My stomach ached as she pulled out her cell.

I took it before she could read the message that lit up across the top of her screen. “Me first, okay?”

She nodded and let me lead her to a bench on the lawn. “You are really scaring me, Finn.”

And it was only going to get worse. When she sat beside me, I turned to face her, took her hands in mine, and swallowed back the lump of tears in my throat. But I couldn’t make it work. I held back the tears but the sound that squeaked out of my throat wasn’t a happy sound. “No fucking around, Lis. It’s so bad.”

“What? Tell me. It’s okay, whatever it is. We’ll work it out or get through it or…whatever.” She cupped my face with her palm, and I closed my eyes even though that made me feel like an even bigger asshole and we were out in the open, where anyone could see. She lowered her voice to a whisper and leaned her forehead against mine. “It’s okay. I love you no matter what.”

And if ever there was a time we were going to test that theory it was now.

“There’s a video of us together.” My voice was weak. The voice of a pussy. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Ryder uploaded it, yours and a couple others. He was charging money…”

I shook my head because it was disgusting. “I’m so sorry, Lis.”

The pain and regret in my voice were real. Mine.

But she chuckled and held me for a minute. “Worst case, my dad finds out and…” She shook her head. “Whatever. It’s not that big a deal.”

But some of the light in her eyes faded. “Honestly. Who cares about some college sex video? Probably three people have seen it.”

It was more, but the situation was untenable. The word viral wasn’t likely to help. Cowardly or not, I nodded again.

Then she pulled me onto my feet and held my hand in hers. “Come on.”

“Lis…” I needed to get this over with. Finish it now so I could figure out what to do. She dragged me a few yards before I dug in and we stopped.

“What are you doing?” This was the path to the library. I wasn’t even sure if I was allowed to go in there. “Where are we going?”

“I want to look it up. I want to see it.” Turned out that it was also the path to her apartment across campus, the one she shared with Sofia. When we walked in, I took a moment to be thankful Sofia wasn’t there. If she knew, she would have plenty to say. And if this was my last night with Felicity, because I had to tell her the rest before this night went further, then I didn’t want to spend it fighting with her best friend.

I sat beside her on the bed as she pulled out her laptop. “Okay. What do I Google?”

I reached to close the lid to the computer, but she held it open.

“This is serious, Lis.” My eyes went watery, and I blew out a slow breath. “I didn’t know he was going to upload.”

“It’s okay.” She ran a hand over my forearm and gave a weak squeeze when she got to my wrist. But then the video account appeared. “93,415 hits?”

She closed the screen. “Oh, shit.”

“I’m so sorry, Lis. So sorry.” I couldn’t even look at her. Knowing I was going to lose her hurt too bad.