Page 51 of Housekeeping

“What is it?” she asked with some trace of concern after I stayed quiet for too long.

“It’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, and I didn’t know how to exactly.” I bit my lip as my heart started beating faster. There was more on my mind than just Mason and our relationship, there was something I hadn’t even told him yet. I knew I would have too, and soon, but I’d put it off. I had to get it out to someone though, and right now, I wanted that person to be my best friend. “You see, before… when I was in college. I got ill… Jessi, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.”

Her eyes widened, and she looked like I’d just punched her right in the chest.

“What?” she choked out.

“That’s not the most important part,” I continued. “I went through surgery and treatments, and it was fine. But the thing is, Jess… when you’re a cancer survivor, it’s recommended that you keep going for hospital visits to have yourself checked out, in case the cancer comes back.”

She just kept blinking at me, looking so confused, and I hated that I was springing this on her out of the blue.

“So you went for a checkup recently?”

I nodded slowly. I’d done it one of the days Mason was busy. He didn’t know about my regular hospital visits because I’d been afraid of how he’d react. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him, but I was feeling scared, and I had a friend I felt I could confide in, unlike the last time. It was too scary to go through that sort of pain alone, darn it!

“I went for a check-up this week… my results didn’t come out clean as I’ve come to expect over the past few years.” I could feel my expression crumple, and I didn’t stop it. “There’s a new lump,” I explained. “It’s under my other arm, not the side I had to have operated on. They want me to go back soon for more tests.”

“Oh, Laura,” she whispered, leaning forward and pulling me into another hug as tears started dripping from my eyes.

I held onto her for a moment, because I needed her strength, feeling like I had none of my own at the moment. She rubbed soothing circles on my back, and I sniffled as I tried to hold back even more crying.

“How can I help you?” Jessi asked because she was a great friend like that.

“I don’t want to go back to the hospital alone,” I admitted. “The last time, I couldn’t stand to tell my friends. We were all in college, and I didn’t think it would be fair to burden any of them. But I don’t think I can do this on my own this time. I’m terrified. Please would you go to the hospital with me?”

“Of course,” she said immediately. “When?”

“Tomorrow.”

As I spat the word out, I felt guilty already for sharing this with her and not Mason. He should be the one I should be wanting to take me to the hospital and that I should be sharing my news with, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t be completely dependent on him all the time. We had to have some space some of the time. It would be too unhealthy otherwise, and besides, he’d think of me as a burden. He treated me like a princess and I wanted him to keep thinking of me as one. Not this older woman that could possibly be sick. I couldn’t bear the look on his face if it was bad news.

“All right. I’ll take the day off for tomorrow. I’m sure they can deal without me for one day in the kitchen. You’ll stay tonight, and we’ll go whenever you want. For now, let me get us both something to eat.”

I didn’t stop her as she went this time because I was feeling hungry. I hadn’t been able to eat properly since I got the news, and now that I’d told someone, half that burden was suddenly gone. I could have just told Mason… but I didn’t think I was going to.

I lay back on the couch as Jessi cooked. Usually, we would do this sort of thing together, but now that I was seated down, I felt like I’d fall if I tried to get up. I’d been feeling a bit drained lately, getting tired quicker while I worked. Mason was still picking me up from my apartment on some mornings, and he’d been there today. The biggest reason I’d wanted to come up to Jessi’s place was that I wasn’t positive I could make it all the way home on foot, and Mason was busy. I could have taken a taxi, but then there were all those stairs in my building. It had been a nightmare just getting myself down this morning when my legs felt as if they could go out from under me at any moment.

There were other feelings, other sensations that felt familiar from before. When I started feeling it, I hadn’t thought much about it, putting it all down to all the sex I’d been having, and the work. But that doctor’s visit had told me everything I needed to know.

I’d left that place with my body trembling. I didn’t want to be ill again. As much as I’d tried to be happy after surviving it the first time if it was cancer again, I knew I’d fall apart. Why did it have to be right now, of all times, when I was so genuinely happy? There was no way I could be as brave, or as strong to just go through this alone a second time.

Which was why I was so glad to have Jessi. It was just like her, to agree to take me on the spot, and to take the day off to do it. I did feel a bit guilty for imposing on her, but even more than that, I was grateful.

As I sat there waiting for her to come back with dinner, I could feel the tears fall down my face faster instead of slowing down. It felt like my heart was breaking, even though I had a best friend willing to do a lot for me and a boyfriend who genuinely cared for me. I should have been at my happiest, and yet…

I didn’t want to face the treatments. I knew I would have to because I knew there was no choice if I wanted to get better.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and it was so unexpected that I jumped and let out a gasp.

“What is it?” Jessi asked, ever alert.

I glanced at her in her kitchenette, cutting up veggies for our meal.

“It’s nothing. A call just surprised me.”

I pulled the phone out of my pocket, only to suck in a sharp breath when I saw Mason’s name on the screen. I didn’t even hesitate to swipe the call, rejecting it. Then I switched off my phone.

There was no way I could talk to him in the state I was in. I was just barely holding back from breaking down in sobs. There was a chance the lump could be nothing. It might be as simple as going under the knife again to have it cut out to get rid of the problem. But, until I knew for sure, I wasn’t going to be able to face him or tell him.