Page 222 of Carousel

“I did everything right,” he says, more to himself. A sheen of light over him is making him look paler. “Assigned you to keepers who were known to be good friends, and would generally keep you together as a group of four. Even placed you with Meg, briefly, whose curiosity and ambition would make her likely to help you recover any of the memories that you may have still been missing. I allowed you to talk amongst yourselves, privately, many times. I ensured The Soulmates would be played at the morale booster, to see if that would return to you your memories of the fortune. Even your meeting, which had seemed to go so well⁠—”

“Our meeting,” I say, edged.

“The Dragoness was an old and dying ship,” he explains. “Her downing was planned. There were suspicions around my loyalty to Hevalla. There have been suspicions the moment I began my Integration work. Leading The Dragoness mission solidified my loyalty in The Assembly’s eyes – and downing the ship, whilst ensuring Drake’s escape through spies we had on board, allowed you both to meet in circumstances that would encourage a faster bond to form.”

I’m still as the sun above us.

I’m longing to feel shocked.

At this point, I am so used to everything in my life being a lie that I hardly even feel surprised.

“Many people died on that ship. Drake would have died,” I seethe. “If I couldn’t save him.”

“We were confident you would. We knew the bond would activate upon your meeting, strengthening the both of you.”

I let my voice sour. “Cosmer could have died under your watch, too, many times. Through his addiction, or his Sacrifice. You and the Queen have no regard for human life, Dezeeves,” I spew. “And love is not something you, or her, can design. Even if you play around with two people’s magic and engineer every interaction they’ve ever had.” I say, confidently, “I do not believe, after this morning, I need to marry Drake. I have accepted the union – but not romantically. I will still live at court, but not as a queen. I will still be the…” I remember Old Mother’s word for it. “Counterbalance, to Drake. Be an⁠—”

I look at Drake. There’s something I can’t read on his face.

Isn’t there always?

I could almost convince myself it is pain.

“—advisor to him,” I continue, kindly. “And a friend.”

Drake doesn’t react for a moment.

Then, he nods.

I add, to Dezeeves, “But I won’t be stopped from being with the person I love.”

Dezeeves just looks small. Hunched. Like the flawed, middle-aged man he is.

As a final parting shot, knowing he will understand me, I conclude, “And, after abandoning him as a baby, drugging him in the brig, and who knows what else – it’s time you did the right thing by him. Allowed him a chance at happiness.”

He sucks his teeth. His eyes, which were already an unusually colourless colour, like weak tea, water themselves down even more.

“I will discuss all of this with the Queen upon our arrival to Rhavna. But,” he says, stepping on my hope before it has sprung, “I cannot think she will take kindly to any changes in her plans.” He looks at Drake in a way I can only describe as distrustfully. “There were reasons, after all, that they were put in place.”

He rises to his feet.

“Come back to The Bridge when you are ready.” He shrugs. “Or, do not. It is a beautiful day.” He holds out his thin arms. “Mourn your dead, and try to enjoy being in the air – I always do. Our estimated arrival to the dome is eight past the hour tomorrow morning. Life in the sky can be regimented. Harsh.” He stares at me, as if trying to tell me something. “But the ground has its shackles, too.”

With that, he makes his departure briskly yet soundlessly.

Drake and I get to our feet, too.

He says, quietly, “Would you like to take a walk around the deck? I have not seen the garden yet.”

He sounds hopeful, somehow. But I shake my head.

“I need to check on Cosmer.”

His mouth thins. “Right.”

And then I remember there is something I haven’t yet done.

“Thank you,” I say. “You calmed me. Saved my life.”