Page 131 of The Cheerleader

She shakes her head with a stubborn resoluteness I admire.

I nod, refusing to dwell on what she’s not saying about us. I focus on Liz. “We could both lose a friend.” My words don’t sound real because I can’t imagine ever not being friends with Liz. She’s family.

“We don’t have a real friendship if we don’t have honesty.”

Meaning I’ve already lost Liz. I inhale the truth in a deep breath, and it stings, burns like hell where I belong. “Fuck,” I mutter, wrangling my self-control back into place.

She hugs me, and I hold onto her, needing to feel everything she makes me feel: alive, understood, warm, at ease, and on edge at the same time, challenged, and not least of all, horny as fuck.

“I need one more kiss,” I growl into her neck, her soft hair caressing my face.

“One more. A goodnight kiss,” she whispers, and I know she wants me to stay. It’s in the desolate way she looks at me, the breathy desperation of her voice.

Fuck. She’s strong—stronger than I am, which is pretty fucking tough. Knowing that about her only makes me harder, makes it harder to leave. I lift myself from her to get space to calm down. Keeping my face close, staring, trying not to let my emotions control me, I wonder how I let her do this to me when no one ever has.

I’m always under control. Fully fucking in control of myself no matter what else around me goes fucking crazy. I learned hard and fast the only single thing in this universe that I can control is myself. So I do.

She puts her hands on my face and pulls it closer until our lips touch.

The clicking sound of the door opening crashes loudly through the intimacy of our kiss, demolishing it as if the door clicking open were as loud and destructive as a stick of dynamite. My head whips around to see Liz standing on the threshold. She screams my name.

I jump up from the bed and cover Susie to protect her from the intrusion.

Judy is right behind Liz, and she gasps. My mind spins so fast it goes blank. What the fuck is Judy doing here?

Susie bolts upright. “Liz–” I block her from view with my body automatically and pull a blanket over her.

In a strangled voice, Susie says, “It’s not the way it looks.”

But it is, dammit. It’s exactly how it looks. I clench my jaw.

Judy screeches, “You’re horrible. Both of you. How could you betray Liz like this?”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I say to Judy in loud accusation. But I don’t need her to answer because the puzzle of her presence slides into place. Judy set me up. And she did it to get back at me for rejecting her last semester. She’s a meaner bitch than I thought she was. “Leave now.”

She backs up to the other side of the threshold, but no further.

Liz slumps against the wall, crying, her hands covering her face. Susie looks like she’s about to sob as she fixes her shirt and goes to Liz. She tries to hug her, but Liz pushes her away, violently.

“Leave her alone, Liz.” My voice is shockingly harsh.

Liz freezes, startled, and staring at me. “Susie is the someone else,” she whispers. “You want her over me?”

Gritting my teeth, I force myself to say the words she needs to hear. “Yes,” I snap. Fighting against the pain sharpens my voice as I struggle with the emotions overwhelming me. “I want Susie. I’m fucking crazy in love with her. Is that what you need me to tell you?” I watch Liz’s face crumple as Susie reaches out and holds her. This time she overcomes Liz’s weakened protest.

Witnessing Susie’s compassion banks my anger, allows the pain to have its way. “You will always be special to me, Liz,” I say in a shaky voice. “You know that. We have a bond that will never be broken. I will always consider you family. I will always answer when you call.”

Her tears are silent as she watches me. But they stream relentlessly now as she visibly shakes in Susie’s arms. She lets Susie hold her up as she guides Liz to her bed across the room.

It’s not lost on me that Susie’s eyes avoid mine, that she hasn’t looked at me since I made the irreversible admission that I’m in love with her.

At least that’s what I think these feelings I have are all about because I have no experience with love, not the romantic kind. But there’s no other word that fits how Susie makes me feel.

Liz stops staring at me, swipes at her tears, and pulls away from Susie. She gives Susie a hard stare as they sit on the bed together. Then Liz slaps Susie hard across the face and stands, pushing past me before I can react or stop her. She rushes out the door, dragging Judy in her wake.

My first instinct is to go to Susie. “Fuck. I’m sorry.” I sit next to her where she’s holding her bright red cheek. I wrap an arm around her and kiss her wet eyes. She’s stopped crying. The slap stopped the tears. Now she’s still and quiet like she’s in shock.

We’re sitting on Liz’s bed. My gut clenches, and I stand, lifting Susie with me.