Page 86 of The Big Puck

I laugh at the irony without humor. “You’re asking me to go on faith that if the team wins, there might be—that we might have—”

“Yes.” His face changes all at once as if his castle walls have crumbled, leaving him vulnerable, so alone and lost and vulnerable, his face showing every bit of it like there’s nowhere left to hide from his emotions. “I don’t know what’s in our future, but the last thing I want to do is picture it without you.” He shoves a hand through his hair. “One step at a time. No promises, Lainey.”

“But hope.”

He aims the searing dark gold version of his eyes at me, filled with every emotion under the sun from raw hunger, to regret, to adoration, and mostly, deep-down-in-the-belly pain.

* * *

I move out and into, of all places, Aunt Hildie’s house. She doesn’t have to tell me she cancelled whatever AirBnB reservations she might have had and insists I’m doing her a favor so she doesn’t have to worry about vacationers ruining her precious things—never mind that she took all her precious things with her to Spence’s house.

But she left her home with charm still, and I feel a sense of peace and connection with her and the family here. God almighty, when did I make Spence’s family mine so thoroughly that I miss them more than my own sometimes?

I settle in and after one day, when I weep with wanting to go back and see Krissy and Spence and Aunt Hildie, I get a text from Spence with a picture of him holding Krissy tight to his chest the way he always does. Aunt Hildie, understanding the need for separation to adjust to our holding pattern, brings Krissy to visit me so I don’t have to worry about running into Spence. Not that he’s home much, but he has taken to bring work home with him sometimes so he can be with Krissy. I know it’s to console her because she misses me as much as I miss her little buttery face.

* * *

I go to games with Tina and get my fix of staring at Spence and then disappear after the games. We mostly win as Jason’s gaining recognition as he gains in the standings for scoring champ. Spence’s popularity bleeds from local icon to national, wonder boy coach of the NHL Sports media everywhere latches onto his story about rising from the ashes of his career and skyrocketing to potentially big time success.

It doesn’t hurt that he’s movie star handsome and could pose as any woman’s dream centerfold. There are endless pictures of him on social media, mostly with the team at practice or after games.

There’s no mention of his single dad status and I know that’s his doing because he shut that line of questioning down from the beginning and the media respects him enough to leave it alone. Besides, he gives them so much, humor, his smile, answering every question thoroughly, posing with whoever wants to pose for pics—and I know it’s purposeful and strategic to keep the focus on him and not his family. And not on me.

I also know how much it costs him and wonder how I got the bad rep that I’m so fragile that I need his protecting. He’s won this round of the stubbornness battle, but I fully intend to win the war. Because no matter what happens with Gavonza, the team or his future, coaching or not, I intend to stick around, to stay with him and Krissy, even if all I ever am is a family friend.

In between games, Jason and Tina and the guys come over to the house because I keep baking like my life depends on it, filling the freezer with cookies of all kinds.

Starts selling them at a concession stand-–Tina’s idea—she doesn’t tell her dad that I’m the one who makes them. I have a small cart run by a college friend of hers from Boston. We’re charging a whopping thousand percent mark-up. I sell out every game, so I up my production and when Tina creates a website for me, sales really fly.

“Tina, you’re quite the business woman.”

“You’re quite the cookie maker.”

“It’s how I’m working out my frustration.”

“You mean your pent up sexual desire?”

I laugh but I’m crying on the inside and glance at the print outs of all the pics Spence has sent me of him and Krissy.

“Too bad he can’t send you a dick pic without getting into trouble. Alas something like that would definitely come out in a law suit—not that I’m saying there will be a law suit, but—”

I put up my hands. “I get it.” The contentious relationship between Spence and Gavonza has started to make it into social media commentary and even has some sportscasters upping their interest, asking more often about Spence’s coaching contract as the regular season winds down and the Whalers are in second place with the possibility of tying for first place. We clinched our spot in the playoffs last night and I celebrated with Jason, Tina and the guys, meeting them at the spot Spence introduced us to. But he was nowhere in sight.

Chapter 34

SPENCER

Lying in bed, I should be either sleeping or thinking about out game against the Brawlers tomorrow, but I’m not. I’m thinking about Lainey because I’m a fucking fool, because I’ve handled her and my attraction to her all wrong from the beginning and I don’t think I’ve ever paid so big a price for letting my baggage ruin things in my life.

Or almost ruin things. Because I’m all about salvaging and hope as of tomorrow. If we beat the Brawlers we’ll win the division. And if we win the division, my pie-in-the-sky clause takes effect. And if that happens, all bets are off and the possibilities for pie-in-the-sky dreams to come true are endless.

Snatching the phone from my night stand, I call Lainey, not giving a shit that it’s past midnight.

“Spence. Hello.” I hear the sleepy smile in her voice. Shit. It doesn’t take long for my dick to stiffen and make demands.

I keep my voice low. “What are you doing?”

“I think I’m about to have phone sex with the hottest coach in the NHL.”