Page 47 of Notorious Man on Campus

A surge of violent regret slams me when Dylan stands and stalks past me to the kitchen, slamming the back door closed behind him. Fuck. What have I done? I wanted to rattle Brick, not destroy him, not hurt him that way. I mean I knew it would be painful, but a good memory too, one worth visiting. His mother’s brownies gave him comfort four years ago when I baked them for him. That’s why he gave me the recipe isn’t it? To remember her, to have a piece of her in his life?

“I… need to go. Early class. project I need to work on.” I stumble through my explanation and no one says a thing. My face and chest burn from horrified guilt as I run to my room. As soon as I get there, I fumble my phone from my pocket and call Dooley.

“What’s up, Ny?”

“Dooley… I’ve done something terrible.” My voice shakes worse than my hands. I wish I could take back every molecule of brownie and my stupid ambition to shake Brick just so maybe, just maybe we could have a relationship. I’m so selfish.

The hurt and pain on his face knocked me over. It’s the last thing I wanted. How fucking stupid am I?

“I’ll be right over.” The call ends. And just like that Dooley, the best most unlikely friend ever, comes to my side. He could be missing a class or walking out of his TA responsibilities for all I know, but it doesn’t stop him. I should be that kind of friend. But no.

I’m the kind of friend who finds a weakness and exploits it to purposely shake—no hurt the one person I love most. Tears stream down my face.

* * *

When Dooley gets to my room I tell him everything but the secret Jimmy asked me to keep.

“I only meant to jar his emotions loose so he doesn’t keep them so bottled up. It’s not healthy. But I’m not sure how much of Brick’s refusal to have feelings for me is wrapped up in protecting his heart against loss after losing his mother and being rejected by three step-mothers, or how much is out of guilt because in his eyes I was Jimmy’s girl and he feels like he betrayed his brother when we were together that night. Shit. Either reason by themselves would be hard enough to get past, but both together seem so enormously unresolvable, unmovable barricades to opening up his heart to me.”

“I don’t know, honey. But I’d say if he was open to kissing you and making love to you, then his heart is already open and it’s only a matter of time before he cracks all the way.”

I hug him and he coughs so I let him go, forgetting he’s not about hugs, not even friend hugs.

“But I’m not sure about the brother-guilt thing, it could still be in play. It was a while back, but it sounds like he might not want to announce to his family he’s having a fling with you any time soon.”

“No.” Of course not. He told me he didn’t want me to run into his family and he’s been adamant about not saying anything to anyone about us as if they would care. It’s his family he doesn’t want to find out. He doesn’t want them to know I’m here.

If only Jimmy would tell his brother the real story, share his secret, so much would be avoided.

“Jimmy has a secret,” I say to Dooley. “It’s about me and him.”

“Really?” His eyes pop wide and I can imagine what he’s thinking. “No, we didn’t have a secret love child. Nothing like that. But it’s an important secret to Jimmy and something he has to share with his brother.”

“And?”

“And if he did, it would resolve any guilt Brick has about betraying him with me.”

“Aha, I see.” I bet he does, but we both leave it alone.

“Should I call and ask Jimmy to share his secret? Explain to him my predicament? Do you think that would be asking too much? Out of line?”

“No. Why would it be out of line? You obviously had a relationship with Jimmy—”

“Because we had an agreement. When I left, it was more like I was thrown out, paid off to leave and never show my face again, like I was some kind of Jezzebel, by his father. Brick was horrified by it all, horrified at himself, at me for taking the money. But I told Jimmy I would go, and that I would keep his secret.”

“Hmmm. Four years is long enough to see if things have changed. Be brave my little Nyla. Call Jimmy. The worst he can do is hang up on you.”

“I don’t know, Dools. It’s so complicated.” And scary, but I don’t tell him that. “After I left—or rather was thrown out--Jimmy called me and asked me if it was true and I said yes, not realizing what I was confessing to until it was too late. His father had told him that I stole a filigree mirror that had been his mothers and that’s why he fired me. It was a mirror I’d admired and gushed over and they all knew it. I was horrified by the accusation and especially by the fact that Jimmy could believe it was true, but I didn’t dare contradict the story. Why bother? Brick obviously went along with the lie, so I had nothing to gain by trying to tell Jimmy the truth and no way to prove anything. Plus, to my great shame, I’d taken money from Mr. Blanick that day and it had felt like stealing. I still feel guilty about it even though I was so upset at the time I wasn’t thinking straight. “

It was shame money. I turned it over to my mother as soon as I got home and told her I won the football pool at the store. When she questioned me I told her I had my money on Brick Blanick to win. Nothing could be further from the truth since that was the day I lost him. Possibly forever.

“Don’t worry about the money, Nyla. People always get a little severance money when they get booted from a job. If anything, it’s Mr. Blanick’s shame money for throwing you out.” He pauses. “Hmm. You never did say what happened to make him toss you.”

“Long story. The day before I was fired … Well, I found myself pacing around the kitchen clutching two letters in my hand. What are the odds?”

“Letters? As in hand-written?” I nod.

“One I wrote to Jimmy explaining why I needed to call it quits and end our charade of a relationship. I should have mailed it the week before except I felt bad about doing it that way. And the other letter I found that day in Brick’s room when I was cleaning.